Sweet Surrender

She didn't know what to do with the abandoned love she still felt. She prayed and waited silently. Days and weeks went by with tears soaking her pillow at night -clenched fists in moments of sobbing. She thought she could never go on without him. On her knees she prayed and fasted. She barely slept or ate. She never loved a man so much as him. She never gave her whole heart away to anyone like that before. The truck sat in the driveway. It never went anywhere, because he was already gone. She slept with his t-shirt, hoping his scent would mean he was still real...still there. She never knew how much of her was missing. She didn't know how she would ever heal. She was glad for the struggle of competing with other women to be over. She couldn't believe she let herself get so low just trying to love him. She couldn't understand why she wasn't enough for him to stay. The relief of not being played like a game anymore was the only burden lifted off her chest. She prayed and hoped day after day that he would come back again, because she could not imagine anything but those sweet yesterdays; but she finally got strong enough to clear her head from the pain that fogged her reasoning. 

She realized it was time to lay this love she had upon the altar of the Lord. She sobbed like waves of the ocean. The pain was so surreal. She laid her love for him on the altar. She knew it was time for her to leave. She knew she could not stay, because if she stayed where things were dead, she would slowly die too. Her strength was held up by the angels as she began to take a little step forward every day. She knew she deserved a whole lot better: to be loved, to be cherished, and protected in every way. Her wounded heart was fragile. People judged and didn't know what was going on inside. She had to close her ears to voices that tried to pull her back into the dark. He had promised her fake forevers. She would naively believe, but they were just empty words with no meaning. She promised him forever but that wasn't good enough. She knew she had to guard and protect what little of herself she still had. 

She clung to her faith that she knew. She silently cried out His name -some moments were so surreal, but she got through it with Poppa God holding her all the way. She let the love of her Father come in gently and heal the layers of her heart. Sometimes a memory of his voice or the smell of him would drift in to taunt her, but she stopped turning her head back to what was no longer there. She reasoned and told herself, "Memories can't kiss me or hold me." Sometimes she still feels her heart longing to love him again, but she knows he's been dead to her for far too long. She no longer will be peering over a grave. She has become something beautiful, because Poppa's presence has been so near. She knows that she is lovely. She knows she can trust Him with her heart. She spends time in her secret place. She hears His voice calling her name. He is the lover of her soul, and she is patiently waiting. She knows she's stronger when she leans on His everlasting arms. She's beautiful. She's lovely, and she's stronger and wiser than ever before. She is going to live, love, and laugh much. She's doing good...I know, because this woman is me. ~ A Modern Day Ruth
Written by Jenny Williams, Copyright 2014

He Walked Away: How To Overcome Heartache

                                                                                               Previously Written and posted April 2013

I kept waiting night after night for his truck to pull into the driveway. I slept in his t-shirt just to keep his scent near me. My days were blurred in a thick foggy haze. I barely slept, I barely ate, I lost the desire to live. I was truly heartsick. I can still remember my teenage son's voice saying, "Mama...don't you think it's time you slept upstairs in your bed again?" I felt so lost. I told myself he would come back; that somehow his truck had broken down and that he wasn't able to call. I tried to reason with my heart that he wasn't really gone; that he would be back. I was completely heartsick. I never really fully understood what the words meant when someone said their heart was broken. Oh, the sure pain of it -now...so surreal. I don't take those words for granted anymore. I have learned to pray, comfort, listen and hold someone's hand when they say those words. I am so eternally grateful for Poppa God walking me through that difficult time in my life. He truly healed that shattered broken heart, and then He gave me a purpose -even a rare beauty out of what was meant to destroy me. It's been several years now and those memories have faded, but I have not forgotten. What should you do when your heart is broken? Here are some things that helped me through that painful season:

* If someone has left you, don't beg and plead for them to stay or come back. The best advice my grandmother gave me was: "If a man wants to walk, let him walk."  Begging, pleading, crying, manipulating, or pining for them to stay will only prolong your pain and suffering and that of your children. If someone wants to stay they will do it out of their own free will. You can't force someone to love you or to be faithful to you. Love is a choice, so let them choose. I know it hurts. I know you can't imagine your life without them, but you have to let them decide on their own.

* Decide and determine in your heart that you will hold onto God no matter what. It's not His fault that a human you loved disappointed you. Cling to His promise that He will never leave you or forsake you. Cry out to Him. Pray. Choose to read His word, stay in church. Even if you feel like your world is falling apart remember that you are in the palm of His hand and He will carry you. He is closer than a brother and a friend at all times. Let Him hold you and comfort you. He can handle your pain and your tears. Life may not make sense right now but life will get better again. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy will come in the morning.

* Reach out to someone you can trust; a prayer partner, a best friend, a pastor or mentor. Let them know what's going on. A true friend will care and be there for you during difficult times. Don't allow the lies of the enemy to tell you that you have to go through this alone. You need help during this time and it's okay to admit that. Ask others to pray for your strength, peace of mind, healing in your heart to take place.

* Remember to take care of your body. When you go through heartache your overwhelming feelings invade you and you may forget to eat. Your appetite may be completely gone. Choose to at least eat some protein and drink water daily to keep yourself  hydrated.

* Choose to live life. You probably want to stay in bed all day and do absolutely nothing. Force yourself to get up and get out of the house. Go for walks, see a movie with a friend, grab coffee and read the Word. I know it feels like your life is void and empty, but whatever you do, do not stop living. If you were happy before this person came into your life, you can be happy again without them. It will just take time.

* In the moments when you are completely overwhelmed by the grief and surges of feelings, have a friend you can call or text so they can pray for you. Sometimes the pain in your heart will feel like a sneaker tidal wave. You may feel completely like your drowning, but imagine yourself holding onto God's hand. He is right beside you and He will not let you be consumed. He is your anchor during the storm. Allow yourself to feel the pain and remind yourself that these feelings are temporary and they will pass. Breathe.

* Take time to reflect. You can't do a thing about the person who broke your heart, but you can reflect and think about what you could do differently. Listen to God's voice and be honest with yourself. It's a healthy approach to admit your mistakes and to glean wisdom from them. Ask God to show you what was unhealthy about the relationship. The truth sets us free. Don't beat yourself up though and do not condemn yourself. Don't blame yourself for everything either. It takes two people to have a relationship. Everyone has something they can do better and things to work on.

* Determine in your heart that you will forgive the person who hurt you. It doesn't mean you don't feel the pain anymore. It doesn't mean you are letting them off the hook -it means letting God deal with them. It means that you choose to walk in God's love. He can deal with people's hearts better than we can ourselves. I know it hurts. I know you're angry. I know you feel betrayed. It's okay to feel these feelings, but make the decision to forgive them. Ask God to help you in this. God can handle your feelings. Forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision.

* Do not choose to date or get involved in another romantic relationship until a lengthy time has passed. It's the worst mistake you can make. To start dating while your heart is broken is like walking around with a broken foot on novocaine. When the numbness wears off you will hurt even more. The damage will be greater. A second heartache is worse than first. Trust me -I know. Just because you feel better does not mean you are completely healed and ready for a relationship. Healing of a broken heart takes time. It's a process. God is a gentlemen and He heals our hearts one layer at a time, like an onion. Do yourself and the other person a favor -guard your heart. Get healthy first.

* Do special things for you. You are worth it. Go for walks, exercise, get a pedicure. Pamper yourself. Pamper a girlfriend. Do something kind for a neighbor. Do things that are stress relieving. Comfort yourself by surrounding yourself with good people and good atmosphere. Buy candles. Try a new hobby. Join a choir. Do it for you.

* Remember that tears are part of the process. It doesn't mean you are going backwards. A memory, a song or a smell might trigger feelings of the person who left you. Allow yourself to feel the pain and then move forward. Tears are cleansing, they're part of how God designed us to heal. He cares about you and the tears that fall on your pillow at night. So much that He actually records them in heaven.

* Avoid seeking comfort from places and things that will only temporarily numb your pain. Stay away from alcohol, drugs, sex outside of marriage, online dating services, or people who are a bad influence. All these things may feel good for a while, but your life will end up in destruction. Seek comfort from Jesus, His word, your friends, church, etc. Anything that is good, pure, lovely -think on those things.

* Know and remember that your pain and broken relationship are not your identity. You are lovable. You are a child of God. Nothing you can do can separate you from His unfailing love for you. He loves you right where you're at. Your mess is not who you are. Just because someone stopped loving you does not mean that you are unlovable. That is a huge lie of the enemy to try to destroy your confidence and self esteem.

Praying for you, Dear one. God is with you in this season. Love will bloom again on the branches of your heart. Written by Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives. Copyright 2013. All rights reserved. Please feel free to share for encouragement purposes. All scriptures are taken from the  NIV Bible Version.
Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

 Hebrews 13:5

“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

Psalm 51:17

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.

In The Pouring Rain

I woke up to feeling sad and broken. Healing must be on an unknown time schedule. Yesterday was "the" anniversary, and I was caught off guard with memories that knocked on my heart. I wasn't prepared. I handled it as best as I could and smiled through the evening, but inside I wanted to cry. A man and his wife were sitting at a table next to me. He left for about 15 minutes and came back. He carried the strong scent of cigarettes- the brand "he" smoked. It taunted me. It smelled like him. I had no place to escape to. It was as though all of a sudden I was standing in the pouring rain with no umbrella. I had no shelter, just the cold memories soaking through to my skin. I really loved him. I adored him. Thank God that sudden showers are short-lived. I guess the sad realization is that there will always be a love for him, no matter what I do. I'm not giving in to it, though. I don't live to wait for someone who refuses to love me back. I remind myself that it was just a storm, and the sun will come out again. I am shivering cold, so... Poppa God, hold me, and keep me safe and warm. ~ Written by Jenny Williams,  A Modern Day Ruth   Copyright 2014

Please Don't Throw Me Away

Memories have brought on emotions I don't ever want to feel again. Seeing couples and families at church during the holidays is so painful to watch. During a service recently, I just felt like I wanted to run down the aisle and escape the feeling of complete isolation. It was more than I could endure to see husbands holding their wives during the sermon. I used to do that... nestle my head on my husband's shoulder. I just kept thinking to myself, "I just want to be loved."  I don't want him back, but I want to be loved by a man again. If I could trust someone, if I knew I wasn't going to be discarded when troubles or difficulties came.  I still have to remind myself that I'm not trash. That I'm not ugly or unlovable. To be honest, it's hard to convince this troubled heart at times. I could just go date anyone. I have been asked out plenty of times, but I am picky now. I don't just go out for the sake of going out. My heart is too fragile for that. I am still healing from the damage the one I loved did to me. The one I took back even after he had left me for another woman-the one who threw me away like trash. The one who took me for granted. The one who left me abandoned over and over. I wish he could comprehend the pain and damage he did to my heart. To my kids. It nearly cost me my life. It's been so hard to believe that any man could love me. I guess whoever walks into  my life will have to be patient and understanding of this. He will have to handle my heart gently. Dear future husband of mine: Please don't leave. Don't throw me away. Don't take me for granted. Don't ignore me and leave me always waiting and wanting...waiting for you to touch me, hold me, to talk to me...To be with me. Don't leave me drowning in my tears, keeping me in chains of worry as I try to be good enough for you -and whatever you do, don't make me feel lonely. Don't treat me like a side dish or a back pocket kind of girl. Keep me up front close to your heart. Let me know I'm special and valuable; that I'm enough, that I'm the only one, that I'm lovable- flaws and all. Let me know you need me and my love.
Written by Jenny Williams, A Modern Day Ruth  Copyright 2013

Silently Crying

Though I am silently crying....I surrender I lay it down. Sometimes a song is an expression of what's going on in my heart...This song says it all. Even if it's just to speak your name...I'm going to pray.

http://youtu.be/a_J4I4gsvYA  By Sanctus Real

Dear Ruth

To the "Ruths" who are waiting for a "Boaz" to walk into your life:
  I remember the day my Mama and I went to a powerful church service at Jesus Pursuit Church in Albany. We we're both going through some painful and difficult times. My heart had been severely broken by my husband of 13 years who walked away from God and his family. The air was thick in the sanctuary. The presence of the Holy Spirit was so sweet. The music was going, and I was lost in worship. This place felt safe. In my heart I leaned against Poppa God on a white horse. I call God Poppa. I have always wanted to be a Daddy's girl, but my real Dad couldn't be there for me. In His presence I felt like I was the only one. I spiritually felt bare and naked with my broken heart exposed, but felt so safe and so warm resting in His arms. After the music and message that were given, my Mama wanted me to go up front to the altar area to be prayed for. I felt shy and awkward about it, but at my Mama's request, I did. She's my hero in so many ways. Anything she asks of me I will do. I was prayed for and given a precious and memorable word. I was told by the prayer lady that God wanted me know it wasn't my fault and that Poppa loved me. He called me His favorite. And at that moment I felt like I truly was. God is so awesome how He does this. We truly are His favorite. Each one of us. After some time I went and kneeled at the altar and cried out to Him. I heard Him say so clearly- I'm sending you a "Boaz". I pondered what He said. I knew it was His voice. I've never really been interested much about the story of Ruth and Boaz. I went to Sunday School as a child and it was never my favorite story, but since then I have studied the book of Ruth. I've listened and gleaned from it and applied it to areas of my life. Have I bumped into my Boaz, Yet? No, but I have learned to be busy about my Father's business. Loving others and working in the fields that God has called me to. I have met so many "Ruths and Naomies" along the way of this healing journey. I have spent the last few years gleaning and sharing wisdom of what a godly woman and wife should be like. Sharing my own journey, being transparent with my readers, praying and standing in the gap for marriages. We have helped soothe some broken hearts. Poppa God has been faithful. I see so many strong women who have been hurt and disappointed; but their faith shines like the sun and I am so privileged and blessed to know them. The story of Ruth is about redemption. Poppa God covers us with His love and redeems us from our painful past. He celebrates us as the Bride of Christ. He provides for us single mamas and is a Husband when we need one. He is also a Father to the fatherless. He is all that we have need of. I've learned to let go of searching for the affections of a man, and to put my broken bleeding heart into the hands of the Almighty. There, I know it will always be protected and safe. I have come so far, and I feel so grateful that I'm no longer broken or dismayed. He has given me purpose -given me a message that burns on my heart to share. Keep trusting God, Keep walking in faith, and do what God has called you to -and when the time is right, your "Boaz" will see you from across the field.   Written by Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives/A Modern Day Ruth. Copyright 2013.

Dear Future Boaz, I will Love You For A Thousand Years

Every part of this song relates to me on this journey -being afraid, all the healing, all the times of trying to be brave, and now the waiting -which seems like I have waited a thousand years. I've been letting Poppa God cut off the dead things in my life that were no longer needed. I can't wait to tell this to someone someday: "Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years....I'll love you for a thousand more. All along I have believed that I would find you. Time has brought your heart to me for a thousand years...I will love you for a thousand more."
I'm sure Ruth felt like this when she met her Boaz. Like she was finally "home" again. If I ever walk down that aisle, it just might have to be to this song...~ Written By Ms.Jenny Williams, A Modern Day Ruth 

Song: A Thousand Years by Christina Perri

http://youtu.be/ffkawkZFYtA

The Process

The process of becoming a queen is different than that of a princess. The more the Lord entrusts us with, the more He requires of us. I feel like I have been hidden away in a secret place being prepared for something greater than my understanding can conceive of. It's funny that when I was a little girl I wanted to be Queen Esther for a costume party. Other kids were monsters, cartoon characters or super heroes. No one knew who I was, but I would blurt out, "I'm Queen Esther!" My life has been far from royalty. I have lived a hard life, but through it all, I think my destiny has been whispering through every heartache and every hardship. He's preparing me for the dream He wants to fulfill in me. The past several months have been a painful, but a necessary time of refinement. He won't let me ignore certain areas anymore. I felt such struggle and even disappointment in myself. I felt like nothing but "ugly" was coming out of me. I told the Lord I felt so ugly because my weaknesses were coming to the surface, but He spoke so clearly, "You asked me to make you more beautiful. This is what I am doing."  He has been washing off the residue of the pain and hurts I have endured from past relationships. The old labels and recordings of harsh words that were spoken over me. The abuse...and trauma. The best part of this process has been bathing in His sweet presence. There's nothing like spending time with the Holy Spirit. Singing to Him -worshiping at the feet of the King. His fragrance is what I want to smell like. <3  I want to savor it. These 21 days of fasting have been challenging. At times I failed miserably -especially during the week of having a persistent fever, but the moments I had with Him were amazing. I long for more. Whatever God is doing in you, don't be hard on yourself. You are lovely. There is "Greatness" in you. He is preparing you for the next season -for such a time as this. ~ Love, Jenny. A Modern Day Ruth  Copyright 2013.  All rights reserved.

I Feel So Beautiful When:

I feel beautiful when...
(I found it !!!! A writing of mine from a while back. This makes me smile... I'm still this woman but only better...Poppa God is so good ! )
I feel Beautiful When:
I'm lost in worship and everything else fades away.
I sing in the Spirit private love songs to God.
I am walking barefoot on the seashore, the waves lapping at my ankles.
I see a sunset. My heart sings even if my lips don't move.
I hold a baby to my chest and kiss her chubby cheeks.
I am painting on a canvas.
I laugh loudly and freely.
I am in a silly and quirky mood.
I wear my favorite perfume.
I listen to jazz or Frank Sinatra.
I twirl around when snow is falling.
I preach with boldness and authority.
I wear high heels.
I smile at a stranger and I know it brightened their day.
I am touched deeply and a tear slips down my face.
I hear my Daddy say he loves me.
I receive red roses. Oh, I love them.
I walk in the cool of the night and smell the fragrances in the air.
I know for certain that I've made a difference in someone's life.
I have a scripture that leaps within me and it's alive. Wow.
I sit at a beautiful place and the lighting is just right.
I am engaged in a warm and stimulating conversation.
I have found another treasure -a good piece of wisdom to hold.
I hear Poppa God whisper "Baby girl" to me.
I am kissed on the forehead.
I know I am glowing from the inside out.
I am complimented about my heart.
I finished a workout at the gym. I did it.
I have my feet up on the dash of a truck listening to country tunes.
I know I am a Daughter of the MOST HIGH. His presence makes me feel so beautiful.
Don't forget YOU are BEAUTIFUL TOO! PLEASE POST BELOW WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BEAUTIFUL.
Written By Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives Copyright 2012 All rights reserved.
Ruby Wives and A Modern Day Ruth

— with Jenny Williams.

Just a Little Something

I wrote this because it's how I feel. It's not that I don't want to be loved, it's that I do want it...real love.

There are no lies when there is love. When there is only truth, there is trust. You are safe with the one you love. Perfect love casts out all fear. This is what I want. I want that kind of love. ~ By Jenny Williams Ruby Wives Copyright 2013.

To The One (Dear Daughter)

To the one who woke up and her heart still feels heavy 

-she thought her nightmare would finally turn to sweet dreams.

To the one who has known so many tears 

-she feels her soul is like waterfalls.

To the one who can't believe she is getting back up again after feeling like she has failed once more.

To the one who wishes her Daddy would have held her, hugged her, and told her she was beautiful when she was a little girl.

To the one who never feels like she fits in the crowd, and wonders what is wrong with her.

To the one who feels like she isn't good enough, strong enough, pretty enough.

To the one who just wants to be held and her arms ache for warmth and tender loving care.

To the one who feels betrayed and forgotten and feels no one cares.

To the one who has seen nothing but ashes and broken dreams

and is afraid to even begin to dream again.

To the one who feels misunderstood and judged by others about her circumstances.

To the one who can't see sunshine, rainbows or silver linings because the night has been so long for her.

To the one who feels every step forward is so difficult and a struggle  

-she feels weary from her travels.

To the one who feels lost and can't find her way 

-she doesn't know what to do and where to go.

To the one who has deep wounds that don't seem to heal fast enough.

To the one who has to be the provider, the Momma and the Daddy 

-she just wants to be taken care of too.

To the one who has cried out and prayed and still doesn't see the answers come.

To the one who is so lonely and wants to trust for love again. 

Oh, To be loved.

To the one who wants to trust but is afraid of being hurt again.

To the one who wants attention and affection 

-she wants to be cherished and feel valued.

To the one who wants to end her life because she desperately wants to find relief from all of this

...hold on...don't do it....

To the one who is working so hard, but it just never seems to be enough.

To the one who has experienced enough pain and trauma to last a lifetime 

-she just wants peace and safety again.

To the one who just wants to feel pampered, loved and celebrated.

To the one who just wants to feel beautiful again 

-she feels her tiredness, weariness and scars are all others see.

To the one who feels like it's all her fault 

-she feels so ashamed, dirty, and used.

To the one who needs to hear that she matters and that she is not forgotten.

To the one who is about to give up in believing for better.

To the one who wishes she was someone's favorite 

-she wants to be the special one.

To the one who feels so lowly she doesn't think she can achieve or accomplish anything 

-she just might fail.

To the one who wonders if she is even lovable....

To the one who has been told she would never amount to anything.

To the one who has been abandoned so many times that she's afraid to be left by everyone 

-she's so scared.

Dear One...God sees you. He hears you. He is with you. He is near you. He cries with you. He knows your tears and feels your pain. He loves you for who you are and where you are at. He has a love for you that does not end, despite all the circumstances and mess you feel you are in. He does not condemn you. He does not judge you. He does not forget you. He is your arms to lean on. He is strong enough to carry you and your burdens. He is steady and unmoving. He will not walk out on you. He cares about what you need and desire. He is working out a plan, if you will trust Him and choose His way. He loved you enough to suffer and die for you. He sees you as beautiful. He is proud of you. He is not ashamed of you. He wants better for you. He wants you to rest in Him. He wants to heal your heart and have you give Him all the pieces. He wants to be your everything. He simply loves you, Dear One. He loves you.
~ Written by Jenny Williams A Modern Day Ruth/Ruby Wives  Copyright 2013 All rights reserved.

Saying Goodbye To Goodbyes

I had to say "Goodbye" to many goodbyes. I had to "un-believe" the many lies spoken over me, and as I took each new step toward tomorrow, I knew I would never be the same. When I looked behind me, at my ash heap of everything I held dear that was gone....It was gone. Because of God's great Mercy, He swept it far away so that I could experience better and brighter days. Though this time has felt so lonely, I have come to understand that He has a better plan. His Grace would not allow me to stay in my misery and pain. He has clothed me in His strength. He has poured my bottle of tears into a sweet fragrance just for me, and now I wear its perfume proudly as a testimony. The Lord is so faithful and so good to me. ~ Jenny Williams, Copyright 2013. All rights reserved. No copy or duplication without the author's permission.  A Modern Day Ruth 

— with Jenny Williams.

He's Making Me Beautiful

 

Someone told me today that I was beautiful, but I didn't feel like it. My hair was wet and drippy and I had no makeup on. I've been feeling a bit tired and weary from the journey. Maybe they saw something I don't. The truth is, it's a littl...e hard to believe someone when they say that about me. I think it's because men who have told me this- have hurt me and abandoned me. My Daddy didn't give me compliments much when I was growing up. I feel shy when someone gives me a compliment, although now I am gracious and thank them as a lady should. I love to tell others -especially little girls. I never want one to feel lowly or unlovely. I always tell my teenage daughters all the time. I wrote a piece like this a while back, but wrote a new one since I couldn't find it. Maybe I needed the reminder myself. Just because there are areas God is working on, doesn't mean the work in progress isn't beautiful.

I feel beautiful when:

When I'm lost in worship and His presence.
When I smile at a stranger.
When I sing a love song to Poppa God.
When I am twirling in the rain or snow.
When I am smelling roses.
When I know I have made a difference in someone's life.
When I wear dresses and heels. And be my girly girl self.
When I see sunsets and feel gratefulness in my heart.
When I go on walks with Poppa God in the cool of the night.
When I wear my favorite perfume. People say I smell so good.
When I hear ocean waves and smell the salty air.
When I'm lost in a warm conversation that has caught my attention.
When I run through crunchy leaves in the fall.
When I'm proud of my children...Their precious lives makes me beautiful.
When I know I'm glowing from the inside out.
When I listen to a song that my heart relates to.
When a child comes up to me and wraps their little hands around me.
When the wind blows across my face...I take those moments as Poppa God kissing me.
When my heart is tender during a beautiful moment.
Written by Jenny Williams, Copyright 2013 All rights reserved.  A Modern Day Ruth

— with Jenny Williams.

Dear Ruth

To the "Ruths" who are waiting for a "Boaz" to walk into your life:
  I remember the day my Mama and I went to a powerful church service at Jesus Pursuit Church in Albany. We were both going through some painful and difficult times. My heart had been severely broken by my husband of 13 years who had walked away from God and his family. The air was thick in the sanctuary. The presence of the Holy Spirit was so sweet. The music was going, and I was lost in worship. This place felt safe. In my heart I leaned against Poppa God on a white horse. I call God Poppa. I have always wanted to be a Daddy's girl, but my real Dad couldn't be there for me. In His presence I felt like I was the only one. I spiritually felt bare and naked with my broken heart exposed, but felt so safe and so warm resting in His arms. After the music and message that were given, my Mama wanted me to go up front to the altar area to be prayed for. I felt shy and awkward about it, but at my Mama's request, I did. She's my hero in so many ways. Anything she asks of me I will do. I was prayed for and given a precious and memorable word. I was told by the prayer lady that God wanted me know it wasn't my fault and that Poppa loved me. He called me His favorite, and in that moment, I felt like I truly was. God is so awesome how He does this. We truly are His favorite. Each one of us. After some time, I went and kneeled at the altar and cried out to Him. I heard Him say so clearly- I'm sending you a "Boaz". I pondered what He said. I knew it was His voice. I've never really been interested much about the story of Ruth and Boaz. I went to Sunday School as a child and it was never my favorite story, but since then I have studied the book of Ruth. I've listened and gleaned from it and applied it to areas of my life. Have I bumped into my Boaz yet? No, but I have learned to be busy about my Father's business. Loving others and working in the fields that God has called me to. I have met so many "Ruths and Naomis" along the way of this healing journey. I have spent the last few years gleaning and sharing wisdom of what a godly woman and wife should be like. Sharing my own journey, being transparent with my readers, praying and standing in the gap for marriages. We have helped soothe some broken hearts. Poppa God has been faithful. I see so many strong women who have been hurt and disappointed, but their faith shines like the sun, and I am so privileged and blessed to know them. The story of Ruth is about redemption. Poppa God covers us with His love and redeems us from our painful past. He celebrates us as the Bride of Christ. He provides for us single mamas and is a Husband when we need one. He is also a Father to the fatherless. He is all that we have need of. I've learned to let go of searching for the affections of a man, and to put my broken bleeding heart into the hands of the Almighty. There, I know it will always be protected and safe. I have come so far, and I feel so grateful that I'm no longer broken or dismayed. He has given me purpose -given me a message that burns on my heart to share. Keep trusting God, Keep walking in faith, and do what God has called you to -and when the time is right, your "Boaz" will see you from across the field.  Written by Jenny Williams, A Modern Day Ruth, Ruby Wives Copyright 2013

For Such A Time As This

  During this time of walking in the shoes of a "Ruth" I have felt so compelled by the Lord to embrace the refinement and requirement of excellence. I have always usually tried to do and be my best at everything I do, but now it's at another level. As I study the story of Ruth and ponder about her, I notice one very distinct thing: her heart and character. She was excellent in who she was. She was loyal and faithful. She was diligent. She did not let her sorrows ruin her. She did not let her past stop her from moving forward. Her love for Naomi and her simple trust in the God of her mother-in-law was so brave. Instead of seeking her own comfort, she comforted others. What a beautiful heart she had. Women in the Bible fascinate me. They inspire me. When I was a little girl I dreamed and admired the character of Esther, so much so that I chose to have my Momma dress me up like her at a costume party. Other kids were dressed like super heroes, monsters, cartoon characters, etc., but I wanted to be a queen. God's chosen one. Maybe my mindset is still like that little girl. I want to be a  woman of nobility. I want to be the favorite. The chosen one. The one who impacts the world around her. The one who makes a difference in other people's lives -a history maker. Embracing this process of being a Ruth has not been easy. I have even questioned God "why?"  Poppa God does not let me complain or grumble. He doesn't allow me to wallow in self pity over my circumstances of being a single momma. He whispers to my soul, "Daughter, let's go to high places." He expects my best in all I do. He expects my actions to be done in excellence. I think of Esther and the beauty treatments she went through as she prepared herself for that one night with the king. I feel like that -that He's bathing me in His presence. Washing away the grime and pain of the past. Leading me to soak in His loveliness and fragrance. This time of preparing for greatness means He requires greatness of me always. My attitudes and how I treat others, how I let go of offences, how I pray for those who hurt me, how I handle myself when I am around people who I don't  like, all of this is preparing me for the destiny He has for me. This is a special prayer I wrote a while back. I have shared it before but I find it to be fitting and useful:

My prayer: ( Lord, Make in me a heart of a Queen who captures a King)

Dear God, I pray for a heart of nobility like Queen Esther, who knew her purpose and the hour in which she lived, who knew how to touch the heart of a King.

I pray to be like Abigail, who understood how to show respect and build a man's confidence up with her words and actions. She was wise.

I pray to be like Deborah, who knew how to dance and praise You even in the midst of difficult circumstances.

I desire to be like Rachel, who had a servant's heart.

I long to be like the Shulamite woman, who was a great lover and the "Favorite One" of the King.

I desire character and perseverance like Hannah, who pursued what she longed for and did not give up.

I want to be like Ruth, who was faithful and loyal and was considered to be a noble woman who captivated the heart of a kinsman redeemer and received blessings.

I want to be found highly favored like Mary, whose calling impacted the entire world.

Make me and mould me to be a woman after your heart, oh God ...a woman of virtue, wisdom, and grace; a woman who walks in her destiny and purpose, a woman who is remembered long after I am gone, so that I will leave a lasting legacy. In Jesus' name, Amen ~  Written by Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives Copyright 2012, 2013 All rights reserved.

The Surface

Today I woke up with a heavy-feeling heart. I am aware that the healing process of my heart has been in stages and layers at a time. God is a gentleman. He works on us slowly and gently because He knows we can't handle it all at one time. This must be one of the hardest for me. I finally came to the truth in myself that I am afraid to ever allow myself to love a man ever again. I am full of love, but I don't trust myself to go there. I simply couldn't handle a heartbreak -not one more time. I have always loved with every breath of me -wholeheartedly and with no reservation. Now it's like a dam in my heart. All this love is stored up, but I just won't let the door open and let the flood gates of my heart flow again. I have been surrounded by beautiful, good, sweet loving caring men who love God. They have been dear brothers in Christ. They have been kind and encouraging. They have proved to me that there are godly decent men out there, but still I'm afraid. I no longer feel heartbroken or traumatized by the abuse, abandonment and betrayal I have endured, but that memory is so real, and I feel like at any moment someone will walk out the door of my life. Everyone I have loved has left. I know I am not responsible for the poor choices of men -that I allowed myself to love men who were simply unworthy of me. My choices of settling for less than the best than what I deserved. No woman deserves to be beaten, cheated on, or abandoned over and over. I know what I want, I know fully what I deserve, and I'm strongly set and have chosen to break the cycle of men who won't provide, who lie, who cheat, who only use words that are not backed up by their actions -men who play with hearts but don't commit.
 

There's that one piece of me that says- "Can I trust you?" I feel like saying to the man of my future, "Will you really be there? Will you stay true to me? Will you hold me when I'm weak ? Will you stay with me through anything? Will you be patient enough to assure me as many times as it takes that you are not going to walk out that door? Will the love I offer be enough for you? Will you value my heart and be careful with it? Will you see me as I really am, or will you just see the scars of my disappointments and broken past? Will you understand the pain and journey I walked and appreciate the strength and beauty I have come into because of it? Please don't walk into my life unless you know you will handle me gently, and that you can be a safe place for me to trust. I want to love. I want to trust you. I want to build dreams with you, make memories, build a life, laugh, play, sing, discover more of the depths of God, go on adventures, touch lives, encourage souls, make a difference, or do the impossible -but can I trust you?"

Out of all of this I hear Poppa God say, "Do you trust Me?" Wow... Do I trust my Heavenly Father that He won't allow me to be hurt this way again? Lord, Help me to be ever so close to You, that a man would have to go to You to even reach my heart, because I'm resting on Your chest -Your very bosom, hearing Your heart beat, and knowing I'm completely safe with You. ~ Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives, Copyright 2013

Memories That Haunt

   

   The last few days I have felt disheartened. Emotions swirling. My past haunting me. Disturbing for me is not knowing why this pain had to resurface. I have come so far and have become so strong. Healing is a process. And God is a gentleman. He doesn't force us to deal with our wounds all at one time. He walks us thru layer by layer. I forgot how much I loved my husband. More than any man in my entire life. But I have learned to let go. You can't force someone to love you. And if they choose to walk away, let the door hit them on their way out. Love stays. Love does not walk away, only people do. I share this tonight because maybe you are struggling with the pain of abandonment. I have found my Poppa God to be faithful and true. He is closer than a brother and dearer than any friend. He never leaves me nor forsakes me. His love is everlasting. He loves you, Tonight. ~ Jenny
Ghosts
Originally Written Saturday, September 10, 2011
by Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives, Copyright 2011

 Last night it was hot and muggy in the air...I was restless, and it seemed that memories lingered and decided to stick to me just like the humidity. A scent caught me by surprise in my room...His smell. I don't know where it came from, but it just harassed me enough to bring some unshed tears to the surface -ones that must have been hidden from my progress of moving forward.
The smell wafted to my nose. beguiling me like a ghost that had walked into the room of my heart. I went and grabbed the sweat shirt of his that I stumbled upon a while back. It holds his scent so strongly. I knelt at the foot of my four poster victorian bed. The place where I met with Poppa so many times concerning our marriage. There in the darkness only lit by the blare of the tv...I buried my face along with my hot flowing tears into that shirt. Why?
I wandered if he thought of me. I wandered if he ever regretted what he had done to me...to my heart and even my soul. I wished he felt torturous pain...The loneliness of his actions that he caused. I wept and prayed hard and in a fervency- knowing other wives are feeling this anguish just as much as I or even more. My thoughts have been wrestling with my heart just as Jacob wrestled with the angel of God. I'm honestly not sure who won last night, but I had some release. These hidden tears had to come out.They seem to find their way out at the most unexpecting times.
I whispered in the darkness. "Poppa, I still love him. Please take it away. If he's never coming back-Take it completely away. Deliver me." I even felt oddly like I was seeking permission to love him. Was it safe to ? After some time-I put the sweatshirt back where I found it. As tempted as I was to sleep with it I chose not to. I refuse to go backward. I will move forward. I crawled into my bed and began to pray and interceed for the other women...The one's I have really come to love. Miles might keep us from seeing each other face to face, but it's their prayers, their tears, their posts, their words which have brought us close as dear sisters and friends...Bound together by our similar paths and difficult journey we have had to walk. "Please God. Bring healing. Bring hope. Answer the cries of their hearts."

Today in the shower I came to the place of realizing this heart of mine is still broken. I had a heart to heart with Poppa. I finally humbly admitted that no matter what I do in my own humanness and my own determined efforts, I can't heal my brokenness on my own. I guess I fooled myself into thinking I was healed. No smiles I carry on my face, no christian bumper sticker or cliche, no holding it all together and being strong enough can make this pain disappear. It has become less and less, but it still shows up along with memories like haunting ghosts.
I appraoched Poppa and asked Him to deliver me from being broken. No other male affections, no human approvals, no new pair of shoes or any earthly riches, Not even time can change this fact. Caring people say that time can heal all wounds...not necessarily true. This lesson I have learned. I've seen people who have been broken for years. Nothing can fill the gaping holes, but Poppa. I have felt impatient. Wishing this process to be hurried along. And even pleaded, "Just take me back there- to heaven and heal me again like you did before." I find He seems to do things differently for much of the time, for whatever His reason. He is God and He is not figured out.
But I'm pretty sure I heard in His still quiet voice say-," Can you remain broken just a little longer ?"
Why would He say that? Me be broken even more?? For longer?????

Out of this brokeness I know there is beauty. There is purpose. It makes no earthly sense. It's strange and weird,and I'm sure others don't understand. They probably think I just want to stay this way just for attention, or to remain a victim. But in reality for me I have come to the place that in my true brokeness- There Poppa brings the best out of me. The fragrance of His love.. humility and openess that He can work with. If it were not for this shattered state I would not be reaching out to other human hearts in the capacity that this trial has allowed. The prayers and words of encouragement would not flow in this vast of a supply. And it is not because of my endeavor or ability- but Christ in me making it all happen for His purpose.
So I surrender to His doing's. I have to trust His timing. I know He won't leave me in this place forever. There will be complete healing. But it will be in His way and in His timing. In the mean time I need to remember and not forget. I have the promise from Him that He will make me better and more beautiful than before. That's our deal. Out of the ashes beauty will rise.
So even though it feels so unfair, it's so confusing and heart wrenching at times. Even though I miss the one who deserted me and left me shredded into pieces. I choose to move forward. There will be days of tears. But I do have the promise of better days to come.

Philippians 3:13
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.

  

You have been sitting in the ash heap of your broken heart and burned up dreams. You had to rest and be still there a while, because your pain was so immensely great. You felt stuck, but had to be still for Poppa God to heal you. He sat there next to you in your great pain and grief. At times you couldn't feel His presence, and this pained you, because the depths of emotion were so dark and lonely. Many friends and family were there at the beginning, but they finally stopped hanging around. In your time of isolation you we're being held under the very wing of His love. His shadow was protecting you from the harsh exposure of your brokenness. You were laid out bare and feeling naked. False shame and the soot of your ashes made you feel unlovable and unworthy. You felt that all eyes saw only your mistakes and your rejections -your ashes; but He was washing you gently, pulling out the splinters and shards of glass that penetrated your heart. The abandonment you felt was so heavy, you thought you could never be loved again, but He was with you all the time. Some nights were so long and so lonely, your tears fell like waterfalls. Your pillow was soaked at night. You bravely smiled in the daylight and told others you were fine. Your soul was being strengthened. Your resilience was emerging. Your faith was growing through the thickets and briers ...stronger, reaching high to the heavens. You didn't know this, but the saints were cheering you on. God Himself was holding your hand when no-one would comfort you. Your tears have been collected carefully in His perfume bottle. His oil of gladness is now replacing the sorrows for songs of joy. Rise up, Beloved. Out of your ash heap you will rise. He is pouring out His sacred, sweet oil on your head. He is the Glory and lifter of your head. Those who look to Him are radiant and their faces are never covered in shame. The traces of the ashes are no more. Your robes are radiant and white -glimmering like diamonds, just as the afternoon sun shines on a lake. There will be scars from what you overcame, but they are your marks of beauty for His glory and purpose. The pain will fade away, but your strength and faith will remain. You will rise, Darling. You will stand on the heap of the enemy, with his head crushed under your feet. You will walk in honor and beauty. You will be celebrated as one who is a mighty and brave warrior -a princess anointed as queen at the table of the King of Glory. Do you hear Him call out to you? "Rise up, Beautiful One. You are my Beloved, and I am faithfully yours." ~Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives Copyright 2013. Please share for encouragement purposes.