She Smiles Anyway

She wakes up every morning
Praying for strength for another day
She grabs some coffee and pours some hazelnut creamer
and  swallows a "sigh"
And she smiles anyway.

She starts to sing another hallelujah song
In her kitchen her lullabies become her prayers
She opens the window just to catch a summer breeze
She's hoping and praying
He hears her singing.
And she smiles anyway.

She's the one giving encouragement
and showing others she cares
but deep inside she's needing it too
She wishes she had another hand
to help with burdens she bears.
But she smiles anyway.

She sometimes goes without meals
so her three girls can eat
She's hungry often
She dreams of chocolate and juicy meat.
but she smiles anyway.

She hears a country song on the radio
She sees couples smiling and laughing
She thinks to herself-
"I'm so tired...I've been alone for too long."
She doesn't want to be the man anymore
She doesn't want to have to be so strong.

She smiles anyway...
and hopes for brighter days.
She lights scented candles
and hugs her kitty real tight
she snuggles with her baby girls
and kisses them goodnight

The house is eerily silent, she's up real late
She's tired of the fight
she's crying out for a mate
her arms are aching to be held.
She reminds Him of His promise
Where is he? The Boaz she will meet?

She silently prays in the wee hours of the night
her pillow is soaked by the numerous tears she's cried
But she smiles anyway...
It's what's holding her together and keeping her hanging on.


"Momma, I need money for the high school dance"
"I need braces and I accidentally broke my glasses again.
My shoes don't fit
I'm hungry, Momma
She hears them
and she just smiles again.

She gets down on her knees
the bill is weighing heavy, she cries
She clenches her bottle of oil
and prays silently
"You gotta help me, Lord tonight."
She barely can, but she smiles anyway.

She goes to church in her Sunday best
She sits alone and bravely she's smiling again.
She sees a wife rub her husband's back
She thinks to herself, "I wish I could do that again."
The sermon is good and she holds on to every word.
People smile and greet her and she doesn't say much
because she knows they expect her to say, "I'm fine."

She sees families and babies running around
She hears laughter and chatter
And she feels like her emotions are trying to make
her drown.
And she smiles anyway...
'cause she doesn't want them to see her cry.
It was so long ago that he left...
I know they expect her to move on.

She walks out of her church
and looks up into the bright blue sky
Oh how she wishes things were different
She wishes she could float away like a cloud from her life.

So she closes her eyes...
dreams...and smiles anyway..
because maybe one time her smile
will make it all go away..

~ Jenny Williams, A Modern Day Ruth,  Copyright 2014

Can I Just Not Be A "Ruth" Today?

The holidays add a whole other ball game to the rough road and field that we are in as "Ruths". Sometimes I feel like people just don't understand the load and extra emotions we face. As a single momma of teenagers, I already struggle with paying the bills and putting food on the table. Add Christmas on top of that and it's hard...really hard. I cry at night when the kids are in bed. Certain songs trigger memories I would like to forget. Sometimes I just wish I could not be a "Ruth" for a day. My ideal fantasy world would be me on a cozy sofa drinking a Starbucks mocha and gazing at the flames in a fireplace. Lovely pretty creamy white stockings would be hanging from the mantle. Music would be playing and presents would be wrapped and under the tree with no worries. There would be a stable, godly man who loves me gazing and smiling at me. The kids would feel comfort and safety and their world wouldn't be so broken. That's my Christmas fantasy. For today, though, I just don't want to be a "Ruth" struggling in the field. I just want to be the "Ruth" who has her Boaz helping her and holding her -knowing he's never going to leave me. Written by Jenny Williams Copyright  2013

Silently Crying

Though I am silently crying....I surrender I lay it down. Sometimes a song is an expression of what's going on in my heart...This song says it all. Even if it's just to speak your name...I'm going to pray.

http://youtu.be/a_J4I4gsvYA  By Sanctus Real

I wanna Be Real

I woke up with the song "I Want To Be Real" by Chris August on my mind. Music is always my heartbeat. I think that sometimes I think in lyrics. I am always singing a song around the house when I'm alone. Worship time is my favorite time. Music flows through my veins like blood. I like this song because I can so relate to the words. I just want to feel safe -safe to be me and not be afraid of being left or deserted. I just want to be me -all the time. I don't want to have the guard up...the walls up. Some days I just want to collapse in someone's arms and just be told everything is going to be alright...that I don't have to be strong anymore...that I can let go and rest...that they are not going to walk away or break my heart. I just want to be real. ~ Jenny Williams, A Modern Day Ruth  Copyright 2013.

I want To Be Real by Chris August  http://youtu.be/qy4DqMUavdI

How I Do It (Tips To Keep Going)

Some say, "How do you do it ?" This road and field ain't easy, and truthfully, there are times when I emotionally break down because the load is too much. Being a single Momma was not my ideal for my life or my amazing kids. I sometimes have to bravely put on a smile, even if inside I don't feel it. I have to pull up a scripture or promise and dwell on it. If I can't break through on my own, then I call my core encouragers and prayer support. It's never demeaning or weak to call reinforcement when the enemy of your life is attacking. That's what the body of Christ is for. When I'm lonely I tell Poppa God. When I feel defeated I try to speak out loud the word and declare His promises. I speak opposite of what I'm feeling, because faith comes by hearing the Word. I listen to positive messages from godly mentors and speakers. If I feel weary, I remind myself that I need to spend worship time and sing to the Holy Spirit...I sing love songs in my alone time with God. When I start feeling sorry for myself I look around to find someone else who needs encouragement. My heart gets happy if I know I have made a difference in someone's else's life. Sometimes if I have been holding things in too long, I break down and cry. It's healing and a release. Jesus, says to cast all our burdens on Him because He cares for us. He will never be too overwhelmed with our troubles. He can handle our list. We must trust Him and release it all. If I am physically shutting down, then I know I need a good old fashioned cat nap. This gives me a fresh perspective. More importantly, I just live one moment at a time because, honestly, one day at a time is too hard. God is my strength and my portion, He doesn't expect us to do it alone or on our own strength. In Him we live and move and have our being. Always remember that this is a temporary season. ~Love, Jenny, A Modern Day Ruth Copyright 2013. All rights reserved.

I'm Here For You

My heart hurts today. It aches for those who are walking through a season of brokenheartedness. I know that pain is so surreal. I lived it. I breathed it. I cried those thousands of tears. I know the depth of betrayal and being traded for another lover. I know how it feels to give 110 percent to the one you loved and valued, only to feel unloved and unappreciated. I know the nights of crying out to God praying for your loved one to come home. I know that moment you trust them once more and they fail you again. I know the fears. I know the days of not being able to eat because your heart is so sick and distraught. I know the emotional waves that come crashing down, and you wonder if you can survive them. I know the aching need to remove the anguish and finding out there is nothing to numb it away. I know the sleepless nights when you analyze everything you did or didn't do right -wondering what it was that made that person walk out the door, and why they won't love you the way they said that they did.
I know all of these things. I just want you to know, dear one, it will get better. I know it feels like your world has been ripped out from under you, and that it feels like everything is over, but even in the midst of great brokenness, there is still a plan. I know you can't possibly see it right now because you are so engulfed in your pain and disappointment, but someday you will. In my heart I kneel beside you and I hold your hand. I am praying for you. May the God of all comfort surround you with His sweet peace. May His presence be so real to you in this dark time. May you find Him ever so close to you. He knows the pain of betrayal and brokenness. He knows what rejection feels like, and He is with you. He is crying with you. He loves you and He will never forsake you. Cling to the faith that you know. Rest your head upon His chest. Hear His beating heart for yours. God is for you and not against you. You will get to the other side, beloved. You will. ~ Love, Jenny from Ruby Wives and A Modern Day Ruth Copyright 2013

To The One (Dear Daughter)

To the one who woke up and her heart still feels heavy 

-she thought her nightmare would finally turn to sweet dreams.

To the one who has known so many tears 

-she feels her soul is like waterfalls.

To the one who can't believe she is getting back up again after feeling like she has failed once more.

To the one who wishes her Daddy would have held her, hugged her, and told her she was beautiful when she was a little girl.

To the one who never feels like she fits in the crowd, and wonders what is wrong with her.

To the one who feels like she isn't good enough, strong enough, pretty enough.

To the one who just wants to be held and her arms ache for warmth and tender loving care.

To the one who feels betrayed and forgotten and feels no one cares.

To the one who has seen nothing but ashes and broken dreams

and is afraid to even begin to dream again.

To the one who feels misunderstood and judged by others about her circumstances.

To the one who can't see sunshine, rainbows or silver linings because the night has been so long for her.

To the one who feels every step forward is so difficult and a struggle  

-she feels weary from her travels.

To the one who feels lost and can't find her way 

-she doesn't know what to do and where to go.

To the one who has deep wounds that don't seem to heal fast enough.

To the one who has to be the provider, the Momma and the Daddy 

-she just wants to be taken care of too.

To the one who has cried out and prayed and still doesn't see the answers come.

To the one who is so lonely and wants to trust for love again. 

Oh, To be loved.

To the one who wants to trust but is afraid of being hurt again.

To the one who wants attention and affection 

-she wants to be cherished and feel valued.

To the one who wants to end her life because she desperately wants to find relief from all of this

...hold on...don't do it....

To the one who is working so hard, but it just never seems to be enough.

To the one who has experienced enough pain and trauma to last a lifetime 

-she just wants peace and safety again.

To the one who just wants to feel pampered, loved and celebrated.

To the one who just wants to feel beautiful again 

-she feels her tiredness, weariness and scars are all others see.

To the one who feels like it's all her fault 

-she feels so ashamed, dirty, and used.

To the one who needs to hear that she matters and that she is not forgotten.

To the one who is about to give up in believing for better.

To the one who wishes she was someone's favorite 

-she wants to be the special one.

To the one who feels so lowly she doesn't think she can achieve or accomplish anything 

-she just might fail.

To the one who wonders if she is even lovable....

To the one who has been told she would never amount to anything.

To the one who has been abandoned so many times that she's afraid to be left by everyone 

-she's so scared.

Dear One...God sees you. He hears you. He is with you. He is near you. He cries with you. He knows your tears and feels your pain. He loves you for who you are and where you are at. He has a love for you that does not end, despite all the circumstances and mess you feel you are in. He does not condemn you. He does not judge you. He does not forget you. He is your arms to lean on. He is strong enough to carry you and your burdens. He is steady and unmoving. He will not walk out on you. He cares about what you need and desire. He is working out a plan, if you will trust Him and choose His way. He loved you enough to suffer and die for you. He sees you as beautiful. He is proud of you. He is not ashamed of you. He wants better for you. He wants you to rest in Him. He wants to heal your heart and have you give Him all the pieces. He wants to be your everything. He simply loves you, Dear One. He loves you.
~ Written by Jenny Williams A Modern Day Ruth/Ruby Wives  Copyright 2013 All rights reserved.

The Field

 

Sometimes I wonder why I must walk this road. Sometimes it feels like this field is never going to be finished being gleaned. I know there's purpose. My faith must continue to remain steadfast, and it must turn it's ear away from these emotions. My tender heart aches. I trust in my Poppa God, even though I tire of the wait. I can imagine how Ruth felt as she pushed through with determination. She did not know the joy that was set before her. She just believed in the God of Naomi, the one she was faithful and loyal to. No matter how long it takes. May my stretched out trust in the unknown be certain that the Redeemer I love is unfailing. If there is anything I glean from this season, it is His wisdom, redemption, and Grace...Written by Jenny Williams, A Modern Day Ruth. Copyright 2013

The Surface

Today I woke up with a heavy-feeling heart. I am aware that the healing process of my heart has been in stages and layers at a time. God is a gentleman. He works on us slowly and gently because He knows we can't handle it all at one time. This must be one of the hardest for me. I finally came to the truth in myself that I am afraid to ever allow myself to love a man ever again. I am full of love, but I don't trust myself to go there. I simply couldn't handle a heartbreak -not one more time. I have always loved with every breath of me -wholeheartedly and with no reservation. Now it's like a dam in my heart. All this love is stored up, but I just won't let the door open and let the flood gates of my heart flow again. I have been surrounded by beautiful, good, sweet loving caring men who love God. They have been dear brothers in Christ. They have been kind and encouraging. They have proved to me that there are godly decent men out there, but still I'm afraid. I no longer feel heartbroken or traumatized by the abuse, abandonment and betrayal I have endured, but that memory is so real, and I feel like at any moment someone will walk out the door of my life. Everyone I have loved has left. I know I am not responsible for the poor choices of men -that I allowed myself to love men who were simply unworthy of me. My choices of settling for less than the best than what I deserved. No woman deserves to be beaten, cheated on, or abandoned over and over. I know what I want, I know fully what I deserve, and I'm strongly set and have chosen to break the cycle of men who won't provide, who lie, who cheat, who only use words that are not backed up by their actions -men who play with hearts but don't commit.
 

There's that one piece of me that says- "Can I trust you?" I feel like saying to the man of my future, "Will you really be there? Will you stay true to me? Will you hold me when I'm weak ? Will you stay with me through anything? Will you be patient enough to assure me as many times as it takes that you are not going to walk out that door? Will the love I offer be enough for you? Will you value my heart and be careful with it? Will you see me as I really am, or will you just see the scars of my disappointments and broken past? Will you understand the pain and journey I walked and appreciate the strength and beauty I have come into because of it? Please don't walk into my life unless you know you will handle me gently, and that you can be a safe place for me to trust. I want to love. I want to trust you. I want to build dreams with you, make memories, build a life, laugh, play, sing, discover more of the depths of God, go on adventures, touch lives, encourage souls, make a difference, or do the impossible -but can I trust you?"

Out of all of this I hear Poppa God say, "Do you trust Me?" Wow... Do I trust my Heavenly Father that He won't allow me to be hurt this way again? Lord, Help me to be ever so close to You, that a man would have to go to You to even reach my heart, because I'm resting on Your chest -Your very bosom, hearing Your heart beat, and knowing I'm completely safe with You. ~ Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives, Copyright 2013

A Trail of Tears

    Naomi only knew tears and loss as she and Ruth began the long journey back to her homeland. Ruth was courageous to travel to a land she did not know -she only did it out of her pure devotion to Naomi. I can imagine as they took each step, they realized they were farther away from what they left behind...The memories, the love of their husbands, their homes and dreams. Strength and determination set in as they walked a trail of tears.

This road I have walked has had many bumps along the way: the feeling of rejection, the looks from others who didn't know the whole story, the feeling of complete isolation, a feeling of aimless wandering and dismay. Some days were a blur. I was on auto pilot just to keep going, to keep me and my kids moving forward. Going to what? where am I going? The trail of tears may seem so long, but I assure you -the flow of them will lessen as time goes on. Sometimes, as a single momma, it has felt like a road only a few walk. You feel like an outsider and you wish someone would care. Not only care- but not cast judgment, because when you do humbly reach out for help it feels like you receive scorn, or that people think you're out to get whatever for free. I can tell you, for the most part, that is not the case. It took everything just to ask for help. We just want the best for our kids as any Momma would want for her child. I think that the church can be cruel without knowing. They assume things and they treat single moms like outcasts, as if we did something wrong -like it's our fault that our husbands left. Women who have been abandoned....They just want to know it's going to be alright. We just want friendship. We want a helping hand when our hands are too full of burdens. We want to be loved...just simply loved. Our hearts have been through a shredder...ripped to pieces. We just want someone to say, "I am with you no matter what, and I am going to love you where you're at." 

On this trail of tears many thoughts come through our minds. We go through an emotional war within ourselves as we battle against (and for) letting go of the feelings and attachments to the one we loved. Overcoming the rejection of being hurt and abandoned was a huge hurdle for me to jump over. It was like a huge boulder blocking my road, and I had to push and push against this huge thing in my life. I had to face it. I had to trust Poppa God that He loves me even if no man on this planet did. I did finally learn to climb over it. It was not easy. I had to reteach myself where my value came from. I had to learn that it wasn't from the man who left me, nor would it ever be from any other man on this earth. My value is from what God's view of me is...I'm loved, I'm special, I'm His favorite...the apple of His eye. As time passed on this road, I began to discover treasures for me to pick up along the way...Lessons. Wisdom. Truth. I began to embrace this road of suffering. I found there was purpose. I became stronger in my faith. Stronger in my walk with the Lord as I began to realize He is walking right beside me. I might not see Him or even feel Him at times, but when I look back over my shoulder I realized He was and has been all along. I don't feel like I am on a trail of tears anymore...I finally arrived in the strange land where Ruth decided to dwell. My heart no longer feels broken, but it still hasn't gotten easier -my journey has just shifted. I'm now in the field working. It's hard work; at times, exhausting. My burdens for others keep me gleaning wisdom in the field where Poppa God has assigned me. I am utterly grateful. So grateful for His goodness...His mercies and His grace. Written By Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives, Copyright 2013