I'm Not Afraid (Dear Boaz)

The Lord has been bringing out beautiful things for me and in me. Today He gave me the most beautiful song...A love song. For my future Boaz. My heart has been very much in preparation for the future husband He has called me to be by his side. I don't just want a husband. I want to be anointed and called to be his wife. I feel called to be next to a leader. To be an example to the church of what a godly wife is supposed to be. To walk in respect and honor. This song came out of me today. So healing and so affirmative that my heart has been healed and prepared for what He has planned for me. Perfect love casts out all fear.

I'm not afraid for God to let you find me.
I'm not afraid of your gaze and your eyes to see me.
I'm not afraid to meet you, to tell you my name.
I'm not afraid to get to know you -all of who you are.
I'm not afraid to be greeted with a "Holy" kiss by your lips.
I'm not afraid to listen to your heart's desires.
I'm not afraid to bring comfort to you.
I'm not afraid to share my heart -the deepest places of it all.
I'm not afraid to share my secrets and dreams and hear yours too.
I'm not afraid to look you in the eyes and let you see my tenderness.
I'm not afraid to let you hold me and caress me.
I'm not afraid to let you fall in love with me.
I'm not afraid to walk with you in places I've never been.
I'm not afraid to show you my weaknesses.
I'm not afraid to sing to you. To discover everything of who I am.
I'm not afraid to let you hold my hand and let you lead.
I'm not afraid to let you cover and protect me -to let you be strong for me.
I'm not afraid to give you a reason to smile -to look for sweet ways to touch you.
I'm not afraid to be a soft place for you to land.
I'm not afraid to daily pray and do battle for you on my knees.
I'm not afraid to laugh with you and play.
I'm not afraid to embrace your family and friends and those whom you love.
I'm not afraid to impact the kingdom of God with you -to pour into and inspire others in Christ.
I'm not afraid to travel and go on adventures with you.
I'm not afraid to worship in spirit and in truth with you.
I'm not afraid to hear you speak into my life -to learn from you and be inspired to grow wise.
I'm not afraid to let you sweetly spoil me and to be your favorite one.
I'm not afraid to accept your weakness and to encourage your strengths.
I'm not afraid to love you for exactly who you are and who God made you to be.
I'm not afraid to share spiritual moments together -to get excited about what God is doing.
I'm not afraid to trust you with whats on or dear to my heart.
I'm not afraid to stand beside you. To build and to dream with you.
I'm not afraid to be your lover and give you my all.
I'm not afraid to give you respect and honor -to stick up for you and to protect your integrity.
I'm not afraid to keep learning and discovering with you.
I'm not afraid to encourage you when you have a bad day.
I'm not afraid to hear you whisper my name.
I'm not afraid to let you dry my tears and soothe my fears.
I'm not afraid to dance with you in the moonlight.
I'm not afraid to invest our blood, sweat and tears for what you believe and aspire to and dream.
I'm not afraid to learn how to be your best friend, your confidante, your safe place to trust.
I'm not afraid to build and achieve crazy dreams with you and to walk in faith for the impossible.
I'm not afraid to be a help mate to you -to find ways to bless you every day. I can't wait.
I'm not afraid to sing my love songs to you and with you -to make music together.
I'm not afraid to pray in my prayer language in front of you and simply be who I am.
I'm not afraid to let you put a ring on my hand for life -to walk by your side.
I'm not afraid to walk down the aisle toward you and say, "I do".
I'm not afraid to be faithful and loyal forever with you.
I'm not afraid.
Written by Jenny Williams,  A Modern Day Ruth  Copyright 2013

The Surface

Today I woke up with a heavy-feeling heart. I am aware that the healing process of my heart has been in stages and layers at a time. God is a gentleman. He works on us slowly and gently because He knows we can't handle it all at one time. This must be one of the hardest for me. I finally came to the truth in myself that I am afraid to ever allow myself to love a man ever again. I am full of love, but I don't trust myself to go there. I simply couldn't handle a heartbreak -not one more time. I have always loved with every breath of me -wholeheartedly and with no reservation. Now it's like a dam in my heart. All this love is stored up, but I just won't let the door open and let the flood gates of my heart flow again. I have been surrounded by beautiful, good, sweet loving caring men who love God. They have been dear brothers in Christ. They have been kind and encouraging. They have proved to me that there are godly decent men out there, but still I'm afraid. I no longer feel heartbroken or traumatized by the abuse, abandonment and betrayal I have endured, but that memory is so real, and I feel like at any moment someone will walk out the door of my life. Everyone I have loved has left. I know I am not responsible for the poor choices of men -that I allowed myself to love men who were simply unworthy of me. My choices of settling for less than the best than what I deserved. No woman deserves to be beaten, cheated on, or abandoned over and over. I know what I want, I know fully what I deserve, and I'm strongly set and have chosen to break the cycle of men who won't provide, who lie, who cheat, who only use words that are not backed up by their actions -men who play with hearts but don't commit.
 

There's that one piece of me that says- "Can I trust you?" I feel like saying to the man of my future, "Will you really be there? Will you stay true to me? Will you hold me when I'm weak ? Will you stay with me through anything? Will you be patient enough to assure me as many times as it takes that you are not going to walk out that door? Will the love I offer be enough for you? Will you value my heart and be careful with it? Will you see me as I really am, or will you just see the scars of my disappointments and broken past? Will you understand the pain and journey I walked and appreciate the strength and beauty I have come into because of it? Please don't walk into my life unless you know you will handle me gently, and that you can be a safe place for me to trust. I want to love. I want to trust you. I want to build dreams with you, make memories, build a life, laugh, play, sing, discover more of the depths of God, go on adventures, touch lives, encourage souls, make a difference, or do the impossible -but can I trust you?"

Out of all of this I hear Poppa God say, "Do you trust Me?" Wow... Do I trust my Heavenly Father that He won't allow me to be hurt this way again? Lord, Help me to be ever so close to You, that a man would have to go to You to even reach my heart, because I'm resting on Your chest -Your very bosom, hearing Your heart beat, and knowing I'm completely safe with You. ~ Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives, Copyright 2013