Sweet Surrender

She didn't know what to do with the abandoned love she still felt. She prayed and waited silently. Days and weeks went by with tears soaking her pillow at night -clenched fists in moments of sobbing. She thought she could never go on without him. On her knees she prayed and fasted. She barely slept or ate. She never loved a man so much as him. She never gave her whole heart away to anyone like that before. The truck sat in the driveway. It never went anywhere, because he was already gone. She slept with his t-shirt, hoping his scent would mean he was still real...still there. She never knew how much of her was missing. She didn't know how she would ever heal. She was glad for the struggle of competing with other women to be over. She couldn't believe she let herself get so low just trying to love him. She couldn't understand why she wasn't enough for him to stay. The relief of not being played like a game anymore was the only burden lifted off her chest. She prayed and hoped day after day that he would come back again, because she could not imagine anything but those sweet yesterdays; but she finally got strong enough to clear her head from the pain that fogged her reasoning. 

She realized it was time to lay this love she had upon the altar of the Lord. She sobbed like waves of the ocean. The pain was so surreal. She laid her love for him on the altar. She knew it was time for her to leave. She knew she could not stay, because if she stayed where things were dead, she would slowly die too. Her strength was held up by the angels as she began to take a little step forward every day. She knew she deserved a whole lot better: to be loved, to be cherished, and protected in every way. Her wounded heart was fragile. People judged and didn't know what was going on inside. She had to close her ears to voices that tried to pull her back into the dark. He had promised her fake forevers. She would naively believe, but they were just empty words with no meaning. She promised him forever but that wasn't good enough. She knew she had to guard and protect what little of herself she still had. 

She clung to her faith that she knew. She silently cried out His name -some moments were so surreal, but she got through it with Poppa God holding her all the way. She let the love of her Father come in gently and heal the layers of her heart. Sometimes a memory of his voice or the smell of him would drift in to taunt her, but she stopped turning her head back to what was no longer there. She reasoned and told herself, "Memories can't kiss me or hold me." Sometimes she still feels her heart longing to love him again, but she knows he's been dead to her for far too long. She no longer will be peering over a grave. She has become something beautiful, because Poppa's presence has been so near. She knows that she is lovely. She knows she can trust Him with her heart. She spends time in her secret place. She hears His voice calling her name. He is the lover of her soul, and she is patiently waiting. She knows she's stronger when she leans on His everlasting arms. She's beautiful. She's lovely, and she's stronger and wiser than ever before. She is going to live, love, and laugh much. She's doing good...I know, because this woman is me. ~ A Modern Day Ruth
Written by Jenny Williams, Copyright 2014

For Such A Time As This

  During this time of walking in the shoes of a "Ruth" I have felt so compelled by the Lord to embrace the refinement and requirement of excellence. I have always usually tried to do and be my best at everything I do, but now it's at another level. As I study the story of Ruth and ponder about her, I notice one very distinct thing: her heart and character. She was excellent in who she was. She was loyal and faithful. She was diligent. She did not let her sorrows ruin her. She did not let her past stop her from moving forward. Her love for Naomi and her simple trust in the God of her mother-in-law was so brave. Instead of seeking her own comfort, she comforted others. What a beautiful heart she had. Women in the Bible fascinate me. They inspire me. When I was a little girl I dreamed and admired the character of Esther, so much so that I chose to have my Momma dress me up like her at a costume party. Other kids were dressed like super heroes, monsters, cartoon characters, etc., but I wanted to be a queen. God's chosen one. Maybe my mindset is still like that little girl. I want to be a  woman of nobility. I want to be the favorite. The chosen one. The one who impacts the world around her. The one who makes a difference in other people's lives -a history maker. Embracing this process of being a Ruth has not been easy. I have even questioned God "why?"  Poppa God does not let me complain or grumble. He doesn't allow me to wallow in self pity over my circumstances of being a single momma. He whispers to my soul, "Daughter, let's go to high places." He expects my best in all I do. He expects my actions to be done in excellence. I think of Esther and the beauty treatments she went through as she prepared herself for that one night with the king. I feel like that -that He's bathing me in His presence. Washing away the grime and pain of the past. Leading me to soak in His loveliness and fragrance. This time of preparing for greatness means He requires greatness of me always. My attitudes and how I treat others, how I let go of offences, how I pray for those who hurt me, how I handle myself when I am around people who I don't  like, all of this is preparing me for the destiny He has for me. This is a special prayer I wrote a while back. I have shared it before but I find it to be fitting and useful:

My prayer: ( Lord, Make in me a heart of a Queen who captures a King)

Dear God, I pray for a heart of nobility like Queen Esther, who knew her purpose and the hour in which she lived, who knew how to touch the heart of a King.

I pray to be like Abigail, who understood how to show respect and build a man's confidence up with her words and actions. She was wise.

I pray to be like Deborah, who knew how to dance and praise You even in the midst of difficult circumstances.

I desire to be like Rachel, who had a servant's heart.

I long to be like the Shulamite woman, who was a great lover and the "Favorite One" of the King.

I desire character and perseverance like Hannah, who pursued what she longed for and did not give up.

I want to be like Ruth, who was faithful and loyal and was considered to be a noble woman who captivated the heart of a kinsman redeemer and received blessings.

I want to be found highly favored like Mary, whose calling impacted the entire world.

Make me and mould me to be a woman after your heart, oh God ...a woman of virtue, wisdom, and grace; a woman who walks in her destiny and purpose, a woman who is remembered long after I am gone, so that I will leave a lasting legacy. In Jesus' name, Amen ~  Written by Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives Copyright 2012, 2013 All rights reserved.