So Tired

There are days when I feel stretched beyond what I want to be. My struggles have been miles too long, and hard to smile through. I don't want your sympathy, but maybe just a little bit of understanding. 

I feel tired of this journey -of being strong, of making sure to not lose it, but maybe that's just what I need to do -to let it out. A sob has been knocking on my throat. It's been wanting to escape for quite some time. I know Poppa God has been revealing Himself through these difficult and trustworthy days. My mind wants to wander and dream of brighter days. If I could just flutter away to some place pleasant and carefree, like a butterfly landing a sweet fragrant rose. 

Strength is never gained without pushing past one's normal point of trying. Muscles are toned by going one push further than your "possible" ...so is my growing faith. It's going past what I can see or feel in the natural. I know I'll be alright, but in this tiring moment, I just want to exhale away all my pain, fatigue, and the need to carry the cares of my sweet kids and me. 

I don't want to be the man anymore. I want to be taken care of, and I just want to be held.
No words need be spoken -just a warm embrace that won't judge or ask anything of me. 

Oh, that someone will see me out of my beautiful mess ...with acceptance and complete assurance, "I'm not leaving you, ever. I'm not going to hurt you or desert you." Maybe a gentle, smiling eye that reads, "I see your journey, your strength, and your pain...and I find you even more beautiful because of it." ~ A Modern Day Ruth, Jenny Williams Copyright 2014

In The Pouring Rain

I woke up to feeling sad and broken. Healing must be on an unknown time schedule. Yesterday was "the" anniversary, and I was caught off guard with memories that knocked on my heart. I wasn't prepared. I handled it as best as I could and smiled through the evening, but inside I wanted to cry. A man and his wife were sitting at a table next to me. He left for about 15 minutes and came back. He carried the strong scent of cigarettes- the brand "he" smoked. It taunted me. It smelled like him. I had no place to escape to. It was as though all of a sudden I was standing in the pouring rain with no umbrella. I had no shelter, just the cold memories soaking through to my skin. I really loved him. I adored him. Thank God that sudden showers are short-lived. I guess the sad realization is that there will always be a love for him, no matter what I do. I'm not giving in to it, though. I don't live to wait for someone who refuses to love me back. I remind myself that it was just a storm, and the sun will come out again. I am shivering cold, so... Poppa God, hold me, and keep me safe and warm. ~ Written by Jenny Williams,  A Modern Day Ruth   Copyright 2014