So Tired

There are days when I feel stretched beyond what I want to be. My struggles have been miles too long, and hard to smile through. I don't want your sympathy, but maybe just a little bit of understanding. 

I feel tired of this journey -of being strong, of making sure to not lose it, but maybe that's just what I need to do -to let it out. A sob has been knocking on my throat. It's been wanting to escape for quite some time. I know Poppa God has been revealing Himself through these difficult and trustworthy days. My mind wants to wander and dream of brighter days. If I could just flutter away to some place pleasant and carefree, like a butterfly landing a sweet fragrant rose. 

Strength is never gained without pushing past one's normal point of trying. Muscles are toned by going one push further than your "possible" ...so is my growing faith. It's going past what I can see or feel in the natural. I know I'll be alright, but in this tiring moment, I just want to exhale away all my pain, fatigue, and the need to carry the cares of my sweet kids and me. 

I don't want to be the man anymore. I want to be taken care of, and I just want to be held.
No words need be spoken -just a warm embrace that won't judge or ask anything of me. 

Oh, that someone will see me out of my beautiful mess ...with acceptance and complete assurance, "I'm not leaving you, ever. I'm not going to hurt you or desert you." Maybe a gentle, smiling eye that reads, "I see your journey, your strength, and your pain...and I find you even more beautiful because of it." ~ A Modern Day Ruth, Jenny Williams Copyright 2014

In The Pouring Rain

I woke up to feeling sad and broken. Healing must be on an unknown time schedule. Yesterday was "the" anniversary, and I was caught off guard with memories that knocked on my heart. I wasn't prepared. I handled it as best as I could and smiled through the evening, but inside I wanted to cry. A man and his wife were sitting at a table next to me. He left for about 15 minutes and came back. He carried the strong scent of cigarettes- the brand "he" smoked. It taunted me. It smelled like him. I had no place to escape to. It was as though all of a sudden I was standing in the pouring rain with no umbrella. I had no shelter, just the cold memories soaking through to my skin. I really loved him. I adored him. Thank God that sudden showers are short-lived. I guess the sad realization is that there will always be a love for him, no matter what I do. I'm not giving in to it, though. I don't live to wait for someone who refuses to love me back. I remind myself that it was just a storm, and the sun will come out again. I am shivering cold, so... Poppa God, hold me, and keep me safe and warm. ~ Written by Jenny Williams,  A Modern Day Ruth   Copyright 2014

The Incense

The incense...the perfume that was poured out upon His feet...the fragrance that filled the room was the evidence of a broken vessel. It was costly in more ways that one. Don't think that the humbled tears you have cried were for no purpose. There is beauty that comes from brokenness. The sweetness of His Grace touches lives around us. Our story becomes intoxicating, and our shared message of redemption lingers in the air. To God be the Glory. ~ Jenny Williams
A Modern Day Ruth

I'm Here For You

My heart hurts today. It aches for those who are walking through a season of brokenheartedness. I know that pain is so surreal. I lived it. I breathed it. I cried those thousands of tears. I know the depth of betrayal and being traded for another lover. I know how it feels to give 110 percent to the one you loved and valued, only to feel unloved and unappreciated. I know the nights of crying out to God praying for your loved one to come home. I know that moment you trust them once more and they fail you again. I know the fears. I know the days of not being able to eat because your heart is so sick and distraught. I know the emotional waves that come crashing down, and you wonder if you can survive them. I know the aching need to remove the anguish and finding out there is nothing to numb it away. I know the sleepless nights when you analyze everything you did or didn't do right -wondering what it was that made that person walk out the door, and why they won't love you the way they said that they did.
I know all of these things. I just want you to know, dear one, it will get better. I know it feels like your world has been ripped out from under you, and that it feels like everything is over, but even in the midst of great brokenness, there is still a plan. I know you can't possibly see it right now because you are so engulfed in your pain and disappointment, but someday you will. In my heart I kneel beside you and I hold your hand. I am praying for you. May the God of all comfort surround you with His sweet peace. May His presence be so real to you in this dark time. May you find Him ever so close to you. He knows the pain of betrayal and brokenness. He knows what rejection feels like, and He is with you. He is crying with you. He loves you and He will never forsake you. Cling to the faith that you know. Rest your head upon His chest. Hear His beating heart for yours. God is for you and not against you. You will get to the other side, beloved. You will. ~ Love, Jenny from Ruby Wives and A Modern Day Ruth Copyright 2013

A Piece Of Me

Sometimes pieces of us begin to fade away....a little at a time. It's subtle at first, because we have compromised ourselves in a small area. We willingly give up just a bit of who we really are, and leave behind a part of ourselves just to continue to make that someone else happy, but soon we keep grasping for more of ourselves to give, because the one we love is never satisfied. Until finally one day, we wake up and realize we don't even see ourselves in their eyes anymore. Our heart is numb and we feel lost as we eerily stare into the mirror of our wounded soul. The curtain of illusion is lifted off of our blinded eyes, and we finally see that we have been left alone -and the one we thought we loved so much, the one we poured our all into, is gone. There's nothing left but shattered pieces. We are now tired and spent and left only with echoes of yesterdays, and no real sounds of love we desperately long to hear. ~ A Modern Day Ruth Written by Jenny Williams Copyright 2013

The Process

The process of becoming a queen is different than that of a princess. The more the Lord entrusts us with, the more He requires of us. I feel like I have been hidden away in a secret place being prepared for something greater than my understanding can conceive of. It's funny that when I was a little girl I wanted to be Queen Esther for a costume party. Other kids were monsters, cartoon characters or super heroes. No one knew who I was, but I would blurt out, "I'm Queen Esther!" My life has been far from royalty. I have lived a hard life, but through it all, I think my destiny has been whispering through every heartache and every hardship. He's preparing me for the dream He wants to fulfill in me. The past several months have been a painful, but a necessary time of refinement. He won't let me ignore certain areas anymore. I felt such struggle and even disappointment in myself. I felt like nothing but "ugly" was coming out of me. I told the Lord I felt so ugly because my weaknesses were coming to the surface, but He spoke so clearly, "You asked me to make you more beautiful. This is what I am doing."  He has been washing off the residue of the pain and hurts I have endured from past relationships. The old labels and recordings of harsh words that were spoken over me. The abuse...and trauma. The best part of this process has been bathing in His sweet presence. There's nothing like spending time with the Holy Spirit. Singing to Him -worshiping at the feet of the King. His fragrance is what I want to smell like. <3  I want to savor it. These 21 days of fasting have been challenging. At times I failed miserably -especially during the week of having a persistent fever, but the moments I had with Him were amazing. I long for more. Whatever God is doing in you, don't be hard on yourself. You are lovely. There is "Greatness" in you. He is preparing you for the next season -for such a time as this. ~ Love, Jenny. A Modern Day Ruth  Copyright 2013.  All rights reserved.

Saying Goodbye To Goodbyes

I had to say "Goodbye" to many goodbyes. I had to "un-believe" the many lies spoken over me, and as I took each new step toward tomorrow, I knew I would never be the same. When I looked behind me, at my ash heap of everything I held dear that was gone....It was gone. Because of God's great Mercy, He swept it far away so that I could experience better and brighter days. Though this time has felt so lonely, I have come to understand that He has a better plan. His Grace would not allow me to stay in my misery and pain. He has clothed me in His strength. He has poured my bottle of tears into a sweet fragrance just for me, and now I wear its perfume proudly as a testimony. The Lord is so faithful and so good to me. ~ Jenny Williams, Copyright 2013. All rights reserved. No copy or duplication without the author's permission.  A Modern Day Ruth 

— with Jenny Williams.

A Trail of Tears

    Naomi only knew tears and loss as she and Ruth began the long journey back to her homeland. Ruth was courageous to travel to a land she did not know -she only did it out of her pure devotion to Naomi. I can imagine as they took each step, they realized they were farther away from what they left behind...The memories, the love of their husbands, their homes and dreams. Strength and determination set in as they walked a trail of tears.

This road I have walked has had many bumps along the way: the feeling of rejection, the looks from others who didn't know the whole story, the feeling of complete isolation, a feeling of aimless wandering and dismay. Some days were a blur. I was on auto pilot just to keep going, to keep me and my kids moving forward. Going to what? where am I going? The trail of tears may seem so long, but I assure you -the flow of them will lessen as time goes on. Sometimes, as a single momma, it has felt like a road only a few walk. You feel like an outsider and you wish someone would care. Not only care- but not cast judgment, because when you do humbly reach out for help it feels like you receive scorn, or that people think you're out to get whatever for free. I can tell you, for the most part, that is not the case. It took everything just to ask for help. We just want the best for our kids as any Momma would want for her child. I think that the church can be cruel without knowing. They assume things and they treat single moms like outcasts, as if we did something wrong -like it's our fault that our husbands left. Women who have been abandoned....They just want to know it's going to be alright. We just want friendship. We want a helping hand when our hands are too full of burdens. We want to be loved...just simply loved. Our hearts have been through a shredder...ripped to pieces. We just want someone to say, "I am with you no matter what, and I am going to love you where you're at." 

On this trail of tears many thoughts come through our minds. We go through an emotional war within ourselves as we battle against (and for) letting go of the feelings and attachments to the one we loved. Overcoming the rejection of being hurt and abandoned was a huge hurdle for me to jump over. It was like a huge boulder blocking my road, and I had to push and push against this huge thing in my life. I had to face it. I had to trust Poppa God that He loves me even if no man on this planet did. I did finally learn to climb over it. It was not easy. I had to reteach myself where my value came from. I had to learn that it wasn't from the man who left me, nor would it ever be from any other man on this earth. My value is from what God's view of me is...I'm loved, I'm special, I'm His favorite...the apple of His eye. As time passed on this road, I began to discover treasures for me to pick up along the way...Lessons. Wisdom. Truth. I began to embrace this road of suffering. I found there was purpose. I became stronger in my faith. Stronger in my walk with the Lord as I began to realize He is walking right beside me. I might not see Him or even feel Him at times, but when I look back over my shoulder I realized He was and has been all along. I don't feel like I am on a trail of tears anymore...I finally arrived in the strange land where Ruth decided to dwell. My heart no longer feels broken, but it still hasn't gotten easier -my journey has just shifted. I'm now in the field working. It's hard work; at times, exhausting. My burdens for others keep me gleaning wisdom in the field where Poppa God has assigned me. I am utterly grateful. So grateful for His goodness...His mercies and His grace. Written By Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives, Copyright 2013

From Glory To Glory

Seasons can seem so long. Strength comes. Beauty comes. Enduring faith comes. Fruit comes. Tangible and real intimacy with Poppa God comes. Seasons are for a reason. We go from Glory to Glory....His beautiful Glory revealed in us and through us. Rejoice, beautiful Ruth, because your season of weeping is coming to an end! ~ Jenny Williams, Copyright 2013.

Seasons Of Change (Previously written August 28th, 2012)

Have you been through the dark valley? Have you been in a drought of joy or peace? Have you suffered a season of brokenness and tears? Has it seemed to last so long that you feel like it's never going to change? There is a time for all seasons under heaven to change. Your time will come. My life is proof of this. I went through a very long dark night of the soul and I have found His grace has sustained me and brought me through. I wrote this spontaneous song in the shower:

He gives me His song of deliverance, His love song of praise. 

He will give you one too. Hold on, Beloved. 

Your time of joy will come, I'm praying for you.

The season of change is here, Love surrounding me..

 His joy has been my strength.

 The pain and suffering are like leaves that are falling 

and all that is left are Your promises that remain. 

In You I have found that I have nothing lacking. 

In You I have all that I have ever need of. 

The wind of Your spirit is swirling around me

 blowing away all the pain and the shame.. 

Your love is sweet and thick on me like honey,

 and dripping is Your mercy and favor on my face. 

 Your grace -double grace is now falling like rain. 

All those who misunderstood and perhaps misjudged me 

are blessing me in your glorious name. 

Through it all I have found You to be faithful and true. 

The air is sweet and Your breath I feel in this place. 

In the dark night You walked me through. 

You never left my side.

Jesus, Your joy is mine and I'm forever grateful and dancing this time.

 My tears are dried and my suffering is falling like leaves and are blown away

and all that is left are your promises that remain. Copyright 2012, Jenny Williams.

Memories That Haunt

   

   The last few days I have felt disheartened. Emotions swirling. My past haunting me. Disturbing for me is not knowing why this pain had to resurface. I have come so far and have become so strong. Healing is a process. And God is a gentleman. He doesn't force us to deal with our wounds all at one time. He walks us thru layer by layer. I forgot how much I loved my husband. More than any man in my entire life. But I have learned to let go. You can't force someone to love you. And if they choose to walk away, let the door hit them on their way out. Love stays. Love does not walk away, only people do. I share this tonight because maybe you are struggling with the pain of abandonment. I have found my Poppa God to be faithful and true. He is closer than a brother and dearer than any friend. He never leaves me nor forsakes me. His love is everlasting. He loves you, Tonight. ~ Jenny
Ghosts
Originally Written Saturday, September 10, 2011
by Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives, Copyright 2011

 Last night it was hot and muggy in the air...I was restless, and it seemed that memories lingered and decided to stick to me just like the humidity. A scent caught me by surprise in my room...His smell. I don't know where it came from, but it just harassed me enough to bring some unshed tears to the surface -ones that must have been hidden from my progress of moving forward.
The smell wafted to my nose. beguiling me like a ghost that had walked into the room of my heart. I went and grabbed the sweat shirt of his that I stumbled upon a while back. It holds his scent so strongly. I knelt at the foot of my four poster victorian bed. The place where I met with Poppa so many times concerning our marriage. There in the darkness only lit by the blare of the tv...I buried my face along with my hot flowing tears into that shirt. Why?
I wandered if he thought of me. I wandered if he ever regretted what he had done to me...to my heart and even my soul. I wished he felt torturous pain...The loneliness of his actions that he caused. I wept and prayed hard and in a fervency- knowing other wives are feeling this anguish just as much as I or even more. My thoughts have been wrestling with my heart just as Jacob wrestled with the angel of God. I'm honestly not sure who won last night, but I had some release. These hidden tears had to come out.They seem to find their way out at the most unexpecting times.
I whispered in the darkness. "Poppa, I still love him. Please take it away. If he's never coming back-Take it completely away. Deliver me." I even felt oddly like I was seeking permission to love him. Was it safe to ? After some time-I put the sweatshirt back where I found it. As tempted as I was to sleep with it I chose not to. I refuse to go backward. I will move forward. I crawled into my bed and began to pray and interceed for the other women...The one's I have really come to love. Miles might keep us from seeing each other face to face, but it's their prayers, their tears, their posts, their words which have brought us close as dear sisters and friends...Bound together by our similar paths and difficult journey we have had to walk. "Please God. Bring healing. Bring hope. Answer the cries of their hearts."

Today in the shower I came to the place of realizing this heart of mine is still broken. I had a heart to heart with Poppa. I finally humbly admitted that no matter what I do in my own humanness and my own determined efforts, I can't heal my brokenness on my own. I guess I fooled myself into thinking I was healed. No smiles I carry on my face, no christian bumper sticker or cliche, no holding it all together and being strong enough can make this pain disappear. It has become less and less, but it still shows up along with memories like haunting ghosts.
I appraoched Poppa and asked Him to deliver me from being broken. No other male affections, no human approvals, no new pair of shoes or any earthly riches, Not even time can change this fact. Caring people say that time can heal all wounds...not necessarily true. This lesson I have learned. I've seen people who have been broken for years. Nothing can fill the gaping holes, but Poppa. I have felt impatient. Wishing this process to be hurried along. And even pleaded, "Just take me back there- to heaven and heal me again like you did before." I find He seems to do things differently for much of the time, for whatever His reason. He is God and He is not figured out.
But I'm pretty sure I heard in His still quiet voice say-," Can you remain broken just a little longer ?"
Why would He say that? Me be broken even more?? For longer?????

Out of this brokeness I know there is beauty. There is purpose. It makes no earthly sense. It's strange and weird,and I'm sure others don't understand. They probably think I just want to stay this way just for attention, or to remain a victim. But in reality for me I have come to the place that in my true brokeness- There Poppa brings the best out of me. The fragrance of His love.. humility and openess that He can work with. If it were not for this shattered state I would not be reaching out to other human hearts in the capacity that this trial has allowed. The prayers and words of encouragement would not flow in this vast of a supply. And it is not because of my endeavor or ability- but Christ in me making it all happen for His purpose.
So I surrender to His doing's. I have to trust His timing. I know He won't leave me in this place forever. There will be complete healing. But it will be in His way and in His timing. In the mean time I need to remember and not forget. I have the promise from Him that He will make me better and more beautiful than before. That's our deal. Out of the ashes beauty will rise.
So even though it feels so unfair, it's so confusing and heart wrenching at times. Even though I miss the one who deserted me and left me shredded into pieces. I choose to move forward. There will be days of tears. But I do have the promise of better days to come.

Philippians 3:13
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.

  

You have been sitting in the ash heap of your broken heart and burned up dreams. You had to rest and be still there a while, because your pain was so immensely great. You felt stuck, but had to be still for Poppa God to heal you. He sat there next to you in your great pain and grief. At times you couldn't feel His presence, and this pained you, because the depths of emotion were so dark and lonely. Many friends and family were there at the beginning, but they finally stopped hanging around. In your time of isolation you we're being held under the very wing of His love. His shadow was protecting you from the harsh exposure of your brokenness. You were laid out bare and feeling naked. False shame and the soot of your ashes made you feel unlovable and unworthy. You felt that all eyes saw only your mistakes and your rejections -your ashes; but He was washing you gently, pulling out the splinters and shards of glass that penetrated your heart. The abandonment you felt was so heavy, you thought you could never be loved again, but He was with you all the time. Some nights were so long and so lonely, your tears fell like waterfalls. Your pillow was soaked at night. You bravely smiled in the daylight and told others you were fine. Your soul was being strengthened. Your resilience was emerging. Your faith was growing through the thickets and briers ...stronger, reaching high to the heavens. You didn't know this, but the saints were cheering you on. God Himself was holding your hand when no-one would comfort you. Your tears have been collected carefully in His perfume bottle. His oil of gladness is now replacing the sorrows for songs of joy. Rise up, Beloved. Out of your ash heap you will rise. He is pouring out His sacred, sweet oil on your head. He is the Glory and lifter of your head. Those who look to Him are radiant and their faces are never covered in shame. The traces of the ashes are no more. Your robes are radiant and white -glimmering like diamonds, just as the afternoon sun shines on a lake. There will be scars from what you overcame, but they are your marks of beauty for His glory and purpose. The pain will fade away, but your strength and faith will remain. You will rise, Darling. You will stand on the heap of the enemy, with his head crushed under your feet. You will walk in honor and beauty. You will be celebrated as one who is a mighty and brave warrior -a princess anointed as queen at the table of the King of Glory. Do you hear Him call out to you? "Rise up, Beautiful One. You are my Beloved, and I am faithfully yours." ~Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives Copyright 2013. Please share for encouragement purposes.