So Tired

There are days when I feel stretched beyond what I want to be. My struggles have been miles too long, and hard to smile through. I don't want your sympathy, but maybe just a little bit of understanding. 

I feel tired of this journey -of being strong, of making sure to not lose it, but maybe that's just what I need to do -to let it out. A sob has been knocking on my throat. It's been wanting to escape for quite some time. I know Poppa God has been revealing Himself through these difficult and trustworthy days. My mind wants to wander and dream of brighter days. If I could just flutter away to some place pleasant and carefree, like a butterfly landing a sweet fragrant rose. 

Strength is never gained without pushing past one's normal point of trying. Muscles are toned by going one push further than your "possible" ...so is my growing faith. It's going past what I can see or feel in the natural. I know I'll be alright, but in this tiring moment, I just want to exhale away all my pain, fatigue, and the need to carry the cares of my sweet kids and me. 

I don't want to be the man anymore. I want to be taken care of, and I just want to be held.
No words need be spoken -just a warm embrace that won't judge or ask anything of me. 

Oh, that someone will see me out of my beautiful mess ...with acceptance and complete assurance, "I'm not leaving you, ever. I'm not going to hurt you or desert you." Maybe a gentle, smiling eye that reads, "I see your journey, your strength, and your pain...and I find you even more beautiful because of it." ~ A Modern Day Ruth, Jenny Williams Copyright 2014

Life Should Be The Big Box Of Crayons

Yesterday was one of the worst days as a single mom. (Just being real). I was searching through the aisles at Walmart, trying to find the items for my 3 daughters' school supplies. The list was too long, and there wasn't enough money....not by half. I was surrounded by so many other last minute shoppers and thinking to myself,  "How I wish I could have their life instead of mine." Over the frustration and mounting stress, I started to have an emotional meltdown. My Teenage daughter desired a curling iron, and I simply couldn't buy it. For some reason I could not find the college ruled paper which was on the list. My heart and mind were beyond the limit of what I could take. I found myself slightly hidden away in the back of the store and persistent tears started to fall. I just couldn't take one more moment of not being able to provide what my baby girls needed and especially what they desired. They rarely complain, and they go without all the time. My heart ached that I couldn't buy them the clothes they need. Life feels so exhausting as a single mom. I work so hard, but it feels like I never get ahead. I felt so alone, so hurt, so ignored, so much a failure, and then I saw this huge box of Crayola crayons...120 count. I love the big boxes. I always did as a child. It was $6.70 for it. I stopped and stared at that box. I thought to myself, "This is how life should be -the whole big box."  Every beautiful color, every opportunity, every beautiful  picture you could draw. Oh, I wish. I seriously contemplated putting something else back so I could buy those crayons, but I knew it would be impractical and that there were other needs. Everything in me wanted to purchase that box, but I walked away telling myself that someday I will have many....many crayons. "God, Please help me. You said you would be my husband. You said you would be a father to my children. Please help me to Renew my hope when it seems to fade. Give me strength for another day. Help me to believe life will get better. Send us love. The kind that lets us know that we will never have to be afraid of being abandoned or hurt again. Wipe our tears of disappointment. Please help all the "Ruths" who are struggling and working in the field. Bless them and keep them and cause your face to shine upon them and please be gracious to them....To all of us Ruths." Amen written by Jenny Williams, A Modern Day Ruth  Copyright 2013

The Surface

Today I woke up with a heavy-feeling heart. I am aware that the healing process of my heart has been in stages and layers at a time. God is a gentleman. He works on us slowly and gently because He knows we can't handle it all at one time. This must be one of the hardest for me. I finally came to the truth in myself that I am afraid to ever allow myself to love a man ever again. I am full of love, but I don't trust myself to go there. I simply couldn't handle a heartbreak -not one more time. I have always loved with every breath of me -wholeheartedly and with no reservation. Now it's like a dam in my heart. All this love is stored up, but I just won't let the door open and let the flood gates of my heart flow again. I have been surrounded by beautiful, good, sweet loving caring men who love God. They have been dear brothers in Christ. They have been kind and encouraging. They have proved to me that there are godly decent men out there, but still I'm afraid. I no longer feel heartbroken or traumatized by the abuse, abandonment and betrayal I have endured, but that memory is so real, and I feel like at any moment someone will walk out the door of my life. Everyone I have loved has left. I know I am not responsible for the poor choices of men -that I allowed myself to love men who were simply unworthy of me. My choices of settling for less than the best than what I deserved. No woman deserves to be beaten, cheated on, or abandoned over and over. I know what I want, I know fully what I deserve, and I'm strongly set and have chosen to break the cycle of men who won't provide, who lie, who cheat, who only use words that are not backed up by their actions -men who play with hearts but don't commit.
 

There's that one piece of me that says- "Can I trust you?" I feel like saying to the man of my future, "Will you really be there? Will you stay true to me? Will you hold me when I'm weak ? Will you stay with me through anything? Will you be patient enough to assure me as many times as it takes that you are not going to walk out that door? Will the love I offer be enough for you? Will you value my heart and be careful with it? Will you see me as I really am, or will you just see the scars of my disappointments and broken past? Will you understand the pain and journey I walked and appreciate the strength and beauty I have come into because of it? Please don't walk into my life unless you know you will handle me gently, and that you can be a safe place for me to trust. I want to love. I want to trust you. I want to build dreams with you, make memories, build a life, laugh, play, sing, discover more of the depths of God, go on adventures, touch lives, encourage souls, make a difference, or do the impossible -but can I trust you?"

Out of all of this I hear Poppa God say, "Do you trust Me?" Wow... Do I trust my Heavenly Father that He won't allow me to be hurt this way again? Lord, Help me to be ever so close to You, that a man would have to go to You to even reach my heart, because I'm resting on Your chest -Your very bosom, hearing Your heart beat, and knowing I'm completely safe with You. ~ Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives, Copyright 2013

From Glory To Glory

Seasons can seem so long. Strength comes. Beauty comes. Enduring faith comes. Fruit comes. Tangible and real intimacy with Poppa God comes. Seasons are for a reason. We go from Glory to Glory....His beautiful Glory revealed in us and through us. Rejoice, beautiful Ruth, because your season of weeping is coming to an end! ~ Jenny Williams, Copyright 2013.

Seasons Of Change (Previously written August 28th, 2012)

Have you been through the dark valley? Have you been in a drought of joy or peace? Have you suffered a season of brokenness and tears? Has it seemed to last so long that you feel like it's never going to change? There is a time for all seasons under heaven to change. Your time will come. My life is proof of this. I went through a very long dark night of the soul and I have found His grace has sustained me and brought me through. I wrote this spontaneous song in the shower:

He gives me His song of deliverance, His love song of praise. 

He will give you one too. Hold on, Beloved. 

Your time of joy will come, I'm praying for you.

The season of change is here, Love surrounding me..

 His joy has been my strength.

 The pain and suffering are like leaves that are falling 

and all that is left are Your promises that remain. 

In You I have found that I have nothing lacking. 

In You I have all that I have ever need of. 

The wind of Your spirit is swirling around me

 blowing away all the pain and the shame.. 

Your love is sweet and thick on me like honey,

 and dripping is Your mercy and favor on my face. 

 Your grace -double grace is now falling like rain. 

All those who misunderstood and perhaps misjudged me 

are blessing me in your glorious name. 

Through it all I have found You to be faithful and true. 

The air is sweet and Your breath I feel in this place. 

In the dark night You walked me through. 

You never left my side.

Jesus, Your joy is mine and I'm forever grateful and dancing this time.

 My tears are dried and my suffering is falling like leaves and are blown away

and all that is left are your promises that remain. Copyright 2012, Jenny Williams.