She Smiles Anyway

She wakes up every morning
Praying for strength for another day
She grabs some coffee and pours some hazelnut creamer
and  swallows a "sigh"
And she smiles anyway.

She starts to sing another hallelujah song
In her kitchen her lullabies become her prayers
She opens the window just to catch a summer breeze
She's hoping and praying
He hears her singing.
And she smiles anyway.

She's the one giving encouragement
and showing others she cares
but deep inside she's needing it too
She wishes she had another hand
to help with burdens she bears.
But she smiles anyway.

She sometimes goes without meals
so her three girls can eat
She's hungry often
She dreams of chocolate and juicy meat.
but she smiles anyway.

She hears a country song on the radio
She sees couples smiling and laughing
She thinks to herself-
"I'm so tired...I've been alone for too long."
She doesn't want to be the man anymore
She doesn't want to have to be so strong.

She smiles anyway...
and hopes for brighter days.
She lights scented candles
and hugs her kitty real tight
she snuggles with her baby girls
and kisses them goodnight

The house is eerily silent, she's up real late
She's tired of the fight
she's crying out for a mate
her arms are aching to be held.
She reminds Him of His promise
Where is he? The Boaz she will meet?

She silently prays in the wee hours of the night
her pillow is soaked by the numerous tears she's cried
But she smiles anyway...
It's what's holding her together and keeping her hanging on.


"Momma, I need money for the high school dance"
"I need braces and I accidentally broke my glasses again.
My shoes don't fit
I'm hungry, Momma
She hears them
and she just smiles again.

She gets down on her knees
the bill is weighing heavy, she cries
She clenches her bottle of oil
and prays silently
"You gotta help me, Lord tonight."
She barely can, but she smiles anyway.

She goes to church in her Sunday best
She sits alone and bravely she's smiling again.
She sees a wife rub her husband's back
She thinks to herself, "I wish I could do that again."
The sermon is good and she holds on to every word.
People smile and greet her and she doesn't say much
because she knows they expect her to say, "I'm fine."

She sees families and babies running around
She hears laughter and chatter
And she feels like her emotions are trying to make
her drown.
And she smiles anyway...
'cause she doesn't want them to see her cry.
It was so long ago that he left...
I know they expect her to move on.

She walks out of her church
and looks up into the bright blue sky
Oh how she wishes things were different
She wishes she could float away like a cloud from her life.

So she closes her eyes...
dreams...and smiles anyway..
because maybe one time her smile
will make it all go away..

~ Jenny Williams, A Modern Day Ruth,  Copyright 2014

So Tired

There are days when I feel stretched beyond what I want to be. My struggles have been miles too long, and hard to smile through. I don't want your sympathy, but maybe just a little bit of understanding. 

I feel tired of this journey -of being strong, of making sure to not lose it, but maybe that's just what I need to do -to let it out. A sob has been knocking on my throat. It's been wanting to escape for quite some time. I know Poppa God has been revealing Himself through these difficult and trustworthy days. My mind wants to wander and dream of brighter days. If I could just flutter away to some place pleasant and carefree, like a butterfly landing a sweet fragrant rose. 

Strength is never gained without pushing past one's normal point of trying. Muscles are toned by going one push further than your "possible" ...so is my growing faith. It's going past what I can see or feel in the natural. I know I'll be alright, but in this tiring moment, I just want to exhale away all my pain, fatigue, and the need to carry the cares of my sweet kids and me. 

I don't want to be the man anymore. I want to be taken care of, and I just want to be held.
No words need be spoken -just a warm embrace that won't judge or ask anything of me. 

Oh, that someone will see me out of my beautiful mess ...with acceptance and complete assurance, "I'm not leaving you, ever. I'm not going to hurt you or desert you." Maybe a gentle, smiling eye that reads, "I see your journey, your strength, and your pain...and I find you even more beautiful because of it." ~ A Modern Day Ruth, Jenny Williams Copyright 2014

How I Do It (Tips To Keep Going)

Some say, "How do you do it ?" This road and field ain't easy, and truthfully, there are times when I emotionally break down because the load is too much. Being a single Momma was not my ideal for my life or my amazing kids. I sometimes have to bravely put on a smile, even if inside I don't feel it. I have to pull up a scripture or promise and dwell on it. If I can't break through on my own, then I call my core encouragers and prayer support. It's never demeaning or weak to call reinforcement when the enemy of your life is attacking. That's what the body of Christ is for. When I'm lonely I tell Poppa God. When I feel defeated I try to speak out loud the word and declare His promises. I speak opposite of what I'm feeling, because faith comes by hearing the Word. I listen to positive messages from godly mentors and speakers. If I feel weary, I remind myself that I need to spend worship time and sing to the Holy Spirit...I sing love songs in my alone time with God. When I start feeling sorry for myself I look around to find someone else who needs encouragement. My heart gets happy if I know I have made a difference in someone's else's life. Sometimes if I have been holding things in too long, I break down and cry. It's healing and a release. Jesus, says to cast all our burdens on Him because He cares for us. He will never be too overwhelmed with our troubles. He can handle our list. We must trust Him and release it all. If I am physically shutting down, then I know I need a good old fashioned cat nap. This gives me a fresh perspective. More importantly, I just live one moment at a time because, honestly, one day at a time is too hard. God is my strength and my portion, He doesn't expect us to do it alone or on our own strength. In Him we live and move and have our being. Always remember that this is a temporary season. ~Love, Jenny, A Modern Day Ruth Copyright 2013. All rights reserved.

Life Should Be The Big Box Of Crayons

Yesterday was one of the worst days as a single mom. (Just being real). I was searching through the aisles at Walmart, trying to find the items for my 3 daughters' school supplies. The list was too long, and there wasn't enough money....not by half. I was surrounded by so many other last minute shoppers and thinking to myself,  "How I wish I could have their life instead of mine." Over the frustration and mounting stress, I started to have an emotional meltdown. My Teenage daughter desired a curling iron, and I simply couldn't buy it. For some reason I could not find the college ruled paper which was on the list. My heart and mind were beyond the limit of what I could take. I found myself slightly hidden away in the back of the store and persistent tears started to fall. I just couldn't take one more moment of not being able to provide what my baby girls needed and especially what they desired. They rarely complain, and they go without all the time. My heart ached that I couldn't buy them the clothes they need. Life feels so exhausting as a single mom. I work so hard, but it feels like I never get ahead. I felt so alone, so hurt, so ignored, so much a failure, and then I saw this huge box of Crayola crayons...120 count. I love the big boxes. I always did as a child. It was $6.70 for it. I stopped and stared at that box. I thought to myself, "This is how life should be -the whole big box."  Every beautiful color, every opportunity, every beautiful  picture you could draw. Oh, I wish. I seriously contemplated putting something else back so I could buy those crayons, but I knew it would be impractical and that there were other needs. Everything in me wanted to purchase that box, but I walked away telling myself that someday I will have many....many crayons. "God, Please help me. You said you would be my husband. You said you would be a father to my children. Please help me to Renew my hope when it seems to fade. Give me strength for another day. Help me to believe life will get better. Send us love. The kind that lets us know that we will never have to be afraid of being abandoned or hurt again. Wipe our tears of disappointment. Please help all the "Ruths" who are struggling and working in the field. Bless them and keep them and cause your face to shine upon them and please be gracious to them....To all of us Ruths." Amen written by Jenny Williams, A Modern Day Ruth  Copyright 2013

A Trail of Tears

    Naomi only knew tears and loss as she and Ruth began the long journey back to her homeland. Ruth was courageous to travel to a land she did not know -she only did it out of her pure devotion to Naomi. I can imagine as they took each step, they realized they were farther away from what they left behind...The memories, the love of their husbands, their homes and dreams. Strength and determination set in as they walked a trail of tears.

This road I have walked has had many bumps along the way: the feeling of rejection, the looks from others who didn't know the whole story, the feeling of complete isolation, a feeling of aimless wandering and dismay. Some days were a blur. I was on auto pilot just to keep going, to keep me and my kids moving forward. Going to what? where am I going? The trail of tears may seem so long, but I assure you -the flow of them will lessen as time goes on. Sometimes, as a single momma, it has felt like a road only a few walk. You feel like an outsider and you wish someone would care. Not only care- but not cast judgment, because when you do humbly reach out for help it feels like you receive scorn, or that people think you're out to get whatever for free. I can tell you, for the most part, that is not the case. It took everything just to ask for help. We just want the best for our kids as any Momma would want for her child. I think that the church can be cruel without knowing. They assume things and they treat single moms like outcasts, as if we did something wrong -like it's our fault that our husbands left. Women who have been abandoned....They just want to know it's going to be alright. We just want friendship. We want a helping hand when our hands are too full of burdens. We want to be loved...just simply loved. Our hearts have been through a shredder...ripped to pieces. We just want someone to say, "I am with you no matter what, and I am going to love you where you're at." 

On this trail of tears many thoughts come through our minds. We go through an emotional war within ourselves as we battle against (and for) letting go of the feelings and attachments to the one we loved. Overcoming the rejection of being hurt and abandoned was a huge hurdle for me to jump over. It was like a huge boulder blocking my road, and I had to push and push against this huge thing in my life. I had to face it. I had to trust Poppa God that He loves me even if no man on this planet did. I did finally learn to climb over it. It was not easy. I had to reteach myself where my value came from. I had to learn that it wasn't from the man who left me, nor would it ever be from any other man on this earth. My value is from what God's view of me is...I'm loved, I'm special, I'm His favorite...the apple of His eye. As time passed on this road, I began to discover treasures for me to pick up along the way...Lessons. Wisdom. Truth. I began to embrace this road of suffering. I found there was purpose. I became stronger in my faith. Stronger in my walk with the Lord as I began to realize He is walking right beside me. I might not see Him or even feel Him at times, but when I look back over my shoulder I realized He was and has been all along. I don't feel like I am on a trail of tears anymore...I finally arrived in the strange land where Ruth decided to dwell. My heart no longer feels broken, but it still hasn't gotten easier -my journey has just shifted. I'm now in the field working. It's hard work; at times, exhausting. My burdens for others keep me gleaning wisdom in the field where Poppa God has assigned me. I am utterly grateful. So grateful for His goodness...His mercies and His grace. Written By Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives, Copyright 2013