Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Single Momma (I just Don't Want To Do It Anymore)

I cried tonight. I didn't want to but tears slipped down my cheeks anyway. It had been a pretty good day. First day of our 21 Days of Fasting and Praying. There was a positive response and many women decided to join. Things felt like they we're headed in the right direction. So why now these tears? I had made the effort to reach out and attempt to attend a Bible study. I bought the book and was so excited to go, but then I couldn't get there. I was so disappointed, and a little hurt too. I sometimes really hate being a single Momma. Life is hard, and sometimes I feel so alienated and alone. Mostly I just feel misunderstood by the other ladies at church. Sometimes I think they just turn their heads because they just don't want to deal with me. That's how it feels anyway. This was one of those moments. I sat in the back of the small woods behind my house and cried. My sweet black kitty named Essie decided to comfort me by rubbing her head on my legs and thigh. She's so loving. I never have to worry about her rejecting me. She simply just loves and knows I belong to her. I sat against a tree and looked up into the acorn trees and told Poppa God that I'm tired of this season of loneliness. I really did enjoy being a wife of 13 years. I loved having someone to share life moments with. It's been nearly 4 years since our lives were turned upside down. It's been a long journey of broken dreams, dating, more disappointments, tears, prayers, another heartache, a ministry born, new dreams launched, a broken heart healed and a strength I never knew I had...<3 One thing I do long for is companionship. Being a single momma has been lonely. I have Poppa God, I have my ministry, I have my amazing kids, but church life has been lonely. The married women treat me differently, like they don't trust me or something. I would never in a million years try to take from them that which I lost. I would never want any soul to go through the thousands of tears I have shed and the sleepless nights I endured. The beautiful thing about Poppa God is that I can be brutally honest about how I am feeling. Tonight my heart hurts. I know I will be okay and this moment will pass, but it's just a reality check that lets me know I don't want to be alone anymore. At the end of the day I just want to snuggle up and share the gratefulness of the day I just had with someone...I just don't want to be a "Ruth" anymore...Poppa God, Please help me tonight.
Written by Jenny Williams, A Modern Day Ruth Copyright 2013

1 comment:

  1. Your story and your blog have been ministering to me and touching my life in ways you may never know. Today you spoke to a place I sometimes find myself and a place I have been in the past couple of weeks A LOT. I'm not a single mother so I won't say I know what you're going through. There are still things you experience that I can relate to. I am single. In my mid-thirties and waiting on God for my Boaz. I am in ministry and I am extremely successful in my career. A lot of people think I have nothing to worry about or complain about and more than once I have been told that perhaps marriage is my own idea but God intends for me to be single. One thing I know and feel that you know and feel is that loneliness. I yearn for companionship and friendship. Someone to share the days joys and disappointments; life's highs and lows. You have pulled me through many of those days so today I pray that Papa God dries your tears and heals the hurts of today so wholesomely and completely. God bless you for your strength, faith and most of all for your willingness to be vulnerable in order to give strength to others.