Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Signs you may be in an unhealthy and ungodly relationship:

*You have compromised your values and morals with that other person. You find yourself doing things you know you shouldn't be doing. You are letting your relationship with God take the back burner. You're christian walk is fading away. You feel pulled away from God more than being drawn closer to Him.

*You're engaged in premarital sex or "fooling around." You have crossed your boundary lines. Love is pure and it preserves. It promotes holiness and desires to honor God. Your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, and so is the other person's.

*You have a feeling of unease. Your spirit feels unsettled. You have no lasting peace in the relationship. Perfect love casts out all fear. There shouldn't be fear if it's a healthy God inspired relationship.

*The person you're with is jealous of others: your friends, family members, or members of the opposite sex that know you. You are often having to reassure them that you are committed to the relationship. You fight about who you see and have to explain your whereabouts and activities. The person has huge trust issues. You are spending a lot of your energy explaining yourself. Remember love is NOT jealous.

*Things have happened really quickly and everything is rushed. Relationships that develop fast usually don't last through difficult times. A healthy relationship has been formed slowly and deeply over time. It has a firm foundation that has been built through friendship, mentoring, and is Christ-centered. Relationships that are built from emotional highs and sensual feelings will often fall like the house built on sand...Here today and gone tomorrow. Remember, love is patient.

*You feel controlled in the relationship. You don't have much of a voice. Your opinion doesn't matter. Your desires or words aren't considered. The other person controls the path of the relationship. Please run...run quickly! Real love is a commitment of two people working together. A Healthy relationship cares about the other person's needs, desires, and feelings.

*Your peer, mentors, and others...maybe even your own children tell you things are going too fast and that you should slow down. They advise against the relationship and share their worries or concerns. God gives us godly counsel for a reason. It's wise to listen to mentors and your friends.

*The relationship often feels one-sided. You're doing the majority of the work and investing. A healthy relationship is a team effort with two people communicating, giving, receiving, sharing, etc. If you're spending more time trying to please the other person all the time because they want their own way, run! It will get old real quick. Love is not demanding or selfish...it's not self seeking.

*There are signs of possessiveness. They call you 25 times in a day if you don't answer them. They text you more times then you can count. They check where you are and want to know where your are at all times. They can't take no for an answer. They show stalkerish behavior. Real relationships can handle healthy lengths of times apart. Both people trust each other. Healthy love is not clingy. Healthy relationships allow each other space and room to breathe.

*Someone in the relationship is banking on the other person changing someday. The truth is, no amount of your sweet loving is going to change your partner. If you're praying, fasting, hoping, wishing, and dreaming that they will become a better person, you're wasting yourself away. Only God can change them, and only if they are willing. So many times, people marry someone thinking that things will change after they walk down the aisle...that's delusional thinking.

*Someone in the relationship is lying. Either they change their story or they're only telling you half truths. They break promises and don't keep their word consistently. Lies tend to grow. Someone who has no problem lying will continue to in the future. A relationship built on lies will cause great pain and betrayal. If your future mate isn't truthful, you shouldn't be with them.  Remember, real love seeks the truth always.

*There's a lack of respect and honor. When there's conflict, the arguments are not constructive or helpful to the relationship. Your heart is not being heard. Harsh words and critical words are often used as manipulation.  Healthy relationships are two people caring about each other's needs, wants, and desires.

*Your relationship is primarily a secret. You have to hide your love. This is a huge red flag. Affairs are done in secret. True love does not hide in darkness.

*Your relationship experiences breakups and abandonment over and over again. The person leaves and comes back. This is so unhealthy! it also affects the people around you...especially your children. A healthy relationship doesn't break up at the drop of a hat. A healthy relationship has two people working thru conflicts or difficulties as they come. Remember Love endures all things, hopes all things, and never fails.

*You feel guilt shame in the relationship. Whether it's false guilt, or guilt from self-seeking pleasures. There's a feeling of weight and heaviness.  Love is not shameful. Pure love has no guilt.

*There is too much anger and violence. Screaming, hitting, throwing things, Verbal abuse, physical force, or threats -this is not love! One time feeling afraid in someone's presence during conflict is not okay. Love is gentle and kind. Love should feel safe. A healthy relationship does not contain violence.

If you have ANY of these things going on in your relationship, you have serious issues. These are red flags for any relationship. Pray about it and ask God what you need to do. Going down the aisle with stuff like this going on is NOT a blessing from God. The Bible is very clear about what love is! Read 1 Corinthians chapter 13.
~ A Modern Day Ruth​, Jenny Williams Copyright 2015

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Signs You are Not Ready

Signs you are NOT ready for a new relationship:

1. Desperation. A godly woman or man doesn't have to be desperate for love, because she/he knows where their fulfillment comes from. It's normal to desire a life partner, but if it's your only focus day and night, you are not ready. Your heart's focus should be after God's heart and will. Wait until you are satisfied while waiting.

2. You keep trying to win back the heart of the last person you had a relationship with. You haven't let them go. You may have a soul tie and will need to ask God to free you from the obsession of needing that person's love or approval. Wait until you have let go emotionally, spiritually, mentally, etc. It's normal to have memories of that person, but you should be able to move forward in your life without their love.

3. You have not forgiven the person who hurt you. It's normal to have some old feelings trying to rise against you, but if you haven't made the choice to forgive them and let them go completely, you aren't ready. A good sign that you're healed in this area is when you can actually pray and hope for blessings in that person's life, you have left all judgments and any justice in God's hands, and you no longer desire punishment for what they did to you. Forgiveness is essential for going into a new relationship.

4. You keep trying to find yourself in others' approval and acceptance. Wait until you know your worth and value in Christ. You don't rely on others for your self esteem. Instead, rely on God's truth.

5. You just want to not be lonely anymore. You can't stand to be alone and you want to find someone to fill that need. It's best you wait until you can lay aside your selfish desires so that you can be a blessing to others. It's not all about you. Wait until you want to encourage, inspire, and build up that other person. Friendships are a healthy start. Also, wait until you realize that others are not meant to fulfill your every desire. Only God can satisfy you.

6. You haven't grieved long enough. You haven't let enough time go by since your last relationship. Wait until it's been a healthy length of time to reflect and to seek God about the mistakes from your past relationships. Wait until you have sought and gleaned wisdom from the past and learned from others, and you have been honest with yourself and God about what you did wrong. Make sure you have looked at mentors, resources, and others who have good relationships. Wisdom is so valuable. You don't want to keep repeating the cycle.

7. You're closed-minded and stuck on what you want for a spouse. Wait until you're open to what kind of spouse God wants you to have. It's good to know what you want, but don't limit God or put your ideal kind of mate in a box. Being in a marriage is a calling and a ministry. Are you ready for that? Are you ready to love the person God desires you to love? Do you trust God that He knows what's best for you?

8. All your friends and family tell you to wait...to heal some more. Wait until your peers and mentors are on board about your desire for a spouse. They are praying blessings for you and are in agreement. Godly counsel is so important. If all your friends are saying you're rushing things or to slow down, you'd better listen. God sends counsel for a reason...to protect you and preserve you.

9. You're in love with what that person might do for you more than what you will do for them. Love is serving. Love is giving. Wait until you desire to serve, and pray for that other person, and you're ready to seek to be a blessing to them in any way possible. Also that you have sought God's will and direction. The Holy Spirit will tell you to pray for them or encourage them.

10. You want to do things in your own strength and on your own terms. Wait until you have someone to keep you accountable...a godly friend or peer who will be objective and who will warn you if you're stepping outside of God's will. Accountability is so important. God's word says to seek wisdom and godly friends.

These are just a few signs you may not be ready to court or date someone. Remember to watch for their behavior and actions too. Make sure they are ready. We're all works in progress with our healing and growth. Be patient with the other person if they have been hurt before. Love is patient and kind....and not self seeking or jealous. Keep 1 Corinthians 13 as rule for what love is. Let it be your guide always. Love like Christ.

~ A Modern Day Ruth, Copyright 2015

Once Upon a Time...

Once upon a time, there was a princess who gave her all and self worth to a man who didn't deserve it. She adored him and lost herself in him. The more she loved, the more she lost. He broke her heart into a thousand pieces and walked away. She was heartsick and felt so alone. She cried herself to sleep each night. One day the Prince of Peace walked in and asked her to give all her broken pieces to Him. He became her best friend as she slowly healed day by day. He put her heart back together. She became stronger as He fed her truth and gave her living waters to drink. She finally saw her worth in His eyes. She wasn't just a princess, but a queen who belonged to the King of Kings. She now helps other broken hearts find their Prince of Peace. She works and builds kingdoms for her King. One day, an appointed and anointed son of the King will take her hand, but God will always have first place in her heart. A Modern Day Ruth, Jenny Williams, Copyright 2015

...And She Waits

She loves Jesus. He's been a faithful friend through every trial. She's known many tears: ones from her own eyes and the ones she's wiped away for others. She's learned to look for the beauty in everything, even in the most dark and lonely places. A human's heart is a treasure, so she is careful to handle each one carefully. She smiles even when she feels like crying. She sings in desolate places as prayers are lifted to the heavens. She wonders if all the toiling and burdens are all that's left on her face. Is that all others see? She wants love just like all the rest, and she prays for married couples and wishes them blessings. She's hoping and longing for her turn too. She wipes her brow and she pushes through her fears, doubts, and tears...and she waits. ~ A Modern Day Ruth

God Bless Our Brothers in Christ

Deeper healing began to take place in my heart and life when I began to bless my brothers in Christ. I've seen so many women who were hurt or broken by a man become extremely bitter towards guys. This is wrong. That bitterness is poison that is developed from unforgiveness in your heart. I know the pains of the past make it so hard. You sometimes wish you could punish the man who hurt you and make him suffer. But Christ's love on the cross set the example when He said, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." I chose early on and asked God to help me to not become like those bitter angry women. I still had great fear of men, but I did not hate them. As time passed, He would lay on my heart to pray for certain brothers in Christ. This is so healing! I even got to the point where I could speak a blessing to someone if I knew they needed encouragement. Every time we choose to honor and bless our brother's in Christ, we are sowing seeds of love that will produce a harvest. It is an honor to love my brothers. It's an honor to bless them. It's an honor to pray for them and to show them that there are godly women out there. I have learned to not speak negative things about men. Our words are powerful. Sometimes we say things out of habit and we just don't realize it. Out of the abundance of the heart our mouth will speak. Ask God to show you if there's any unforgiveness or bitterness towards men because of your past hurts. He will gently wash it away when you surrender it to Him and you make the effort to bless your brothers in Christ. Men have been hurt too. They have been rejected, abused, cheated on, and broken from other women. Their hearts are healing too. Be the one who says an encouraging word or prays for him. I promise you that it works. ~ A Modern Day Ruth, Jenny Williams Copyright 2015