Saturday, August 31, 2013

Fight For Me

Sometimes walking this role isn't easy. Actually, it never is, to be true. I had a few moments of tears tonight and said out loud, "I don't want to have to be strong anymore." I just wanted to be held and told "I'll take care of you." I know Poppa God loves me and He is here for me me, but sometimes I crave for real life hugs. I know this feeling will pass and I will go to bed and wake up with a brighter countenance, but for this moment, "Daddy, Abba please hold me. Your girl is hurting tonight." (Just keeping it real.) ~ A Modern Day Ruth, Jenny Williams Copyright 2013
2 Samuel 22:7 (NIV)
“In my distress I called to the Lord; I called out to my God. From His temple he heard my voice; my cry came to His ears."

For Such A Time As This

  During this time of walking in the shoes of a "Ruth" I have felt so compelled by the Lord to embrace the refinement and requirement of excellence. I have always usually tried to do and be my best at everything I do, but now it's at another level. As I study the story of Ruth and ponder about her, I notice one very distinct thing: her heart and character. She was excellent in who she was. She was loyal and faithful. She was diligent. She did not let her sorrows ruin her. She did not let her past stop her from moving forward. Her love for Naomi and her simple trust in the God of her mother-in-law was so brave. Instead of seeking her own comfort, she comforted others. What a beautiful heart she had. Women in the Bible fascinate me. They inspire me. When I was a little girl I dreamed and admired the character of Esther, so much so that I chose to have my Momma dress me up like her at a costume party. Other kids were dressed like super heroes, monsters, cartoon characters, etc., but I wanted to be a queen. God's chosen one. Maybe my mindset is still like that little girl. I want to be a  woman of nobility. I want to be the favorite. The chosen one. The one who impacts the world around her. The one who makes a difference in other people's lives -a history maker. Embracing this process of being a Ruth has not been easy. I have even questioned God "why?"  Poppa God does not let me complain or grumble. He doesn't allow me to wallow in self pity over my circumstances of being a single momma. He whispers to my soul, "Daughter, let's go to high places." He expects my best in all I do. He expects my actions to be done in excellence. I think of Esther and the beauty treatments she went through as she prepared herself for that one night with the king. I feel like that -that He's bathing me in His presence. Washing away the grime and pain of the past. Leading me to soak in His loveliness and fragrance. This time of preparing for greatness means He requires greatness of me always. My attitudes and how I treat others, how I let go of offences, how I pray for those who hurt me, how I handle myself when I am around people who I don't  like, all of this is preparing me for the destiny He has for me. This is a special prayer I wrote a while back. I have shared it before but I find it to be fitting and useful:
My prayer: ( Lord, Make in me a heart of a Queen who captures a King)
Dear God, I pray for a heart of nobility like Queen Esther, who knew her purpose and the hour in which she lived, who knew how to touch the heart of a King.

I pray to be like Abigail, who understood how to show respect and build a man's confidence up with her words and actions. She was wise.

I pray to be like Deborah, who knew how to dance and praise You even in the midst of difficult circumstances.

I desire to be like Rachel, who had a servant's heart.

I long to be like the Shulamite woman, who was a great lover and the "Favorite One" of the King.

I desire character and perseverance like Hannah, who pursued what she longed for and did not give up.

I want to be like Ruth, who was faithful and loyal and was considered to be a noble woman who captivated the heart of a kinsman redeemer and received blessings.

I want to be found highly favored like Mary, whose calling impacted the entire world.

Make me and mould me to be a woman after your heart, oh God ...a woman of virtue, wisdom, and grace; a woman who walks in her destiny and purpose, a woman who is remembered long after I am gone, so that I will leave a lasting legacy. In Jesus' name, Amen ~  Written by Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives Copyright 2012, 2013 All rights reserved.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Spontaneous Song

I am giving you the desires of your heart.
You have been faithful to me, My Daughter.
I am faithful to you.
Every wish, every hope that's in your heart, every dream I breathed in you is coming true.
Every wish, every hope, every dream is unfolding for you.
You remained in me and I remain in you.
I will give you everything your heart has desired.
I am pleased with you.
Your time of waiting is over and they are running, they are running to you.
All your dreams are unfolding in front of you.
Everything you ever dreamed in me- I am giving to you.
Taste and see that I am faithful.
You've been faithful to me. Dance and sing, Oh Daughter.
Rejoice with laughter. Your days are sweeter than before.,.

And I receive. Father, I receive.
And  I believe. Every promise, every hope and dream you breathed in me.
And I have remained in you and you have remained in me.
I am yours and you are mine. I taste and see that you are faithful.
Oh, Father of mine. You are faithful to me.

I believe . I receive . I believe.. I receive... You are faithful.
Everything you promised, everything I've wished for.
Every hope...Every dream in my heart that you breathed in me is coming true.
I believe.

~ Jenny Williams, A Modern Day Ruth, Copyright 2013. All rights reserved.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Praise Like Perfume

   One unique thing about me that I am openly sharing with you is my most special and sacred time: singing to Poppa God. I have done this since I was probably about 2 or 3 years old. I used to stand on the old fashioned upright vacuum cleaner and use the handle as a microphone. I was very aware and sensitive to the Holy Spirit even as a baby. My Momma once told me that I would listen intently to my grandmother's piano playing. I would have a look on my face. The Holy Spirit was touching me. Through the years I have sung spontaneous love songs to the Lord, mostly during my bath times. You can say I am truly a "psalmist" at heart. I have always easily related  myself to King David in the Bible. My favorite book happens to be the Psalms. Music flows through me just like blood does. I sing to the Holy Spirit and He sings back to me. Sometimes in my prayer language. There's something about praise that ushers us into His secret place, His pavilion, His favorite places. I have gone through great times of despair and heartache -times when I had no song to sing because my heart was so sick from brokenness. To not be able to sing was deeply painful to me. God knows our hearts and He knows our desires to please and worship Him. I am so grateful He brought me through the long dark night of my soul and filled me with new songs again. My prayer anointed grandmother passed onto me the mantle of intercession. I honor her for this. She was an incredible mighty woman of God, but even with prayer time and battling warfare, there are times when I boldly just sing out His praises. The enemy hates this. Remember that the Israelites would have the worshipers be on front lines of the battlefield. The Bible says, (Psalm 96:1) Sing to the Lord a new song; sing to the Lord, all the earth. I share this to encourage you. Some days during this journey of being a "Ruth" you won't feel like doing anything. Your emotions may feel  all-consuming. Sing out a love song to Jesus anyway. Lift up your praises before Him. Minister to His heart and bless Him with your voice lifted high. He does not care if you sing beautifully, He cares about the beautiful heart that wants to touch Him; bless Him, pour out your fragrant perfume upon His feet. I have discovered the most beautiful treasures by singing in the spirit. No demon in hell can interfere with your love song to Him, unless you don't open your mouth. Praise is powerful, I tell you. My bubble bath's with the Holy Spirit are amazing. When you are walking the road of faith, when you're in the field working where you are assigned, sing out a love song. Sing in the Spirit. Make an eternal love song just for Him. This pleases Him. God favored David because he had a heart after God's heart. I love the lyrics to the worship song (Pour My Love On You by Phillips, Craig & Dean,) "If Praise is like perfume I'll lavish mine on you. Until every drop is gone. I'll pour my oil on you...". Written by Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives/ A Modern Day Ruth Copyright 2013 <3

Friday, August 23, 2013

The Surface

Today I woke up with a heavy-feeling heart. I am aware that the healing process of my heart has been in stages and layers at a time. God is a gentleman. He works on us slowly and gently because He knows we can't handle it all at one time. This must be one of the hardest for me. I finally came to the truth in myself that I am afraid to ever allow myself to love a man ever again. I am full of love, but I don't trust myself to go there. I simply couldn't handle a heartbreak -not one more time. I have always loved with every breath of me -wholeheartedly and with no reservation. Now it's like a dam in my heart. All this love is stored up, but I just won't let the door open and let the flood gates of my heart flow again. I have been surrounded by beautiful, good, sweet loving caring men who love God. They have been dear brothers in Christ. They have been kind and encouraging. They have proved to me that there are godly decent men out there, but still I'm afraid. I no longer feel heartbroken or traumatized by the abuse, abandonment and betrayal I have endured, but that memory is so real, and I feel like at any moment someone will walk out the door of my life. Everyone I have loved has left. I know I am not responsible for the poor choices of men -that I allowed myself to love men who were simply unworthy of me. My choices of settling for less than the best than what I deserved. No woman deserves to be beaten, cheated on, or abandoned over and over. I know what I want, I know fully what I deserve, and I'm strongly set and have chosen to break the cycle of men who won't provide, who lie, who cheat, who only use words that are not backed up by their actions -men who play with hearts but don't commit.
There's that one piece of me that says- "Can I trust you?" I feel like saying to the man of my future, "Will you really be there? Will you stay true to me? Will you hold me when I'm weak ? Will you stay with me through anything? Will you be patient enough to assure me as many times as it takes that you are not going to walk out that door? Will the love I offer be enough for you? Will you value my heart and be careful with it? Will you see me as I really am, or will you just see the scars of my disappointments and broken past? Will you understand the pain and journey I walked and appreciate the strength and beauty I have come into because of it? Please don't walk into my life unless you know you will handle me gently, and that you can be a safe place for me to trust. I want to love. I want to trust you. I want to build dreams with you, make memories, build a life, laugh, play, sing, discover more of the depths of God, go on adventures, touch lives, encourage souls, make a difference, or do the impossible -but can I trust you?"

Out of all of this I hear Poppa God say, "Do you trust Me?" Wow... Do I trust my Heavenly Father that He won't allow me to be hurt this way again? Lord, Help me to be ever so close to You, that a man would have to go to You to even reach my heart, because I'm resting on Your chest -Your very bosom, hearing Your heart beat, and knowing I'm completely safe with You. ~ Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives, Copyright 2013

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

A Trail of Tears

    Naomi only knew tears and loss as she and Ruth began the long journey back to her homeland. Ruth was courageous to travel to a land she did not know -she only did it out of her pure devotion to Naomi. I can imagine as they took each step, they realized they were farther away from what they left behind...The memories, the love of their husbands, their homes and dreams. Strength and determination set in as they walked a trail of tears.

This road I have walked has had many bumps along the way: the feeling of rejection, the looks from others who didn't know the whole story, the feeling of complete isolation, a feeling of aimless wandering and dismay. Some days were a blur. I was on auto pilot just to keep going, to keep me and my kids moving forward. Going to what? where am I going? The trail of tears may seem so long, but I assure you -the flow of them will lessen as time goes on. Sometimes, as a single momma, it has felt like a road only a few walk. You feel like an outsider and you wish someone would care. Not only care- but not cast judgment, because when you do humbly reach out for help it feels like you receive scorn, or that people think you're out to get whatever for free. I can tell you, for the most part, that is not the case. It took everything just to ask for help. We just want the best for our kids as any Momma would want for her child. I think that the church can be cruel without knowing. They assume things and they treat single moms like outcasts, as if we did something wrong -like it's our fault that our husbands left. Women who have been abandoned....They just want to know it's going to be alright. We just want friendship. We want a helping hand when our hands are too full of burdens. We want to be loved...just simply loved. Our hearts have been through a shredder...ripped to pieces. We just want someone to say, "I am with you no matter what, and I am going to love you where you're at." 

On this trail of tears many thoughts come through our minds. We go through an emotional war within ourselves as we battle against (and for) letting go of the feelings and attachments to the one we loved. Overcoming the rejection of being hurt and abandoned was a huge hurdle for me to jump over. It was like a huge boulder blocking my road, and I had to push and push against this huge thing in my life. I had to face it. I had to trust Poppa God that He loves me even if no man on this planet did. I did finally learn to climb over it. It was not easy. I had to reteach myself where my value came from. I had to learn that it wasn't from the man who left me, nor would it ever be from any other man on this earth. My value is from what God's view of me is...I'm loved, I'm special, I'm His favorite...the apple of His eye. As time passed on this road, I began to discover treasures for me to pick up along the way...Lessons. Wisdom. Truth. I began to embrace this road of suffering. I found there was purpose. I became stronger in my faith. Stronger in my walk with the Lord as I began to realize He is walking right beside me. I might not see Him or even feel Him at times, but when I look back over my shoulder I realized He was and has been all along. I don't feel like I am on a trail of tears anymore...I finally arrived in the strange land where Ruth decided to dwell. My heart no longer feels broken, but it still hasn't gotten easier -my journey has just shifted. I'm now in the field working. It's hard work; at times, exhausting. My burdens for others keep me gleaning wisdom in the field where Poppa God has assigned me. I am utterly grateful. So grateful for His goodness...His mercies and His grace. Written By Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives, Copyright 2013

Friday, August 9, 2013

A Wise And Godly Woman Knows


Dear Woman of God,

Through my various trials and times of walking through my "stupid phase" of dating and broken relationships, I learned a few things and gleaned some valuable wisdom. I would love to share them with you to spare you any unnecessary pain, and also prevent you from wasting your precious time.

A wise and godly woman knows that if he isn't answering his phone or your text messages, emails, etc., he's just not that into you. Let him go. Stop waiting for that phone to ring.

A wise and godly woman knows that if you have to show off your cleavage and breasts to get his attention, he is not the one. Your heart and character should be what makes you attractive to him. Not your butt, breasts, hips, etc. If you dress like trash you will be treated like trash.

 A wise and godly woman knows that if he you have to beg him to spend time with you and your kids, he's not the one. A man who really loves you will make room in his schedule for you and your children.

A wise and godly woman knows that if he doesn't have respect for you, your parents, his own parents or people in authority, he's not the one. A good man will respect and treat his family and people in authority honorably. He will honor his parents so that it will go well with him all his days.

A wise and godly woman knows that if he is leading you away from God, he is not the right one. A good man will lead you closer to the Lord. He will attend church with you, read the word, worship God on a daily basis. His conduct and actions will reflect his relationship with God. He will inspire you to grow spiritually.

A wise and godly woman knows that she can't make him be ready to be husband material. He either is or isn't. Don't waste your time trying to change him. No amount of sweetness on your part can make him be a righteous man.

A wise and godly woman knows that a godly man will respect your body and your boundaries. He will not try to take away your purity or God given privilege of sex without marrying you first. He won't pressure you to compromise. If he can't wait, then he's not the one.

A wise and godly woman knows that if your relationship has to be in hiding or in secret, then it's not real love. Nothing should be hidden in the dark, but be in the light.

A wise and godly woman knows that if he lies to you and he is deceptive about things, he will lie again. Don't expect him to tell the truth. You will be on a continuous carousel cycle....Going around and around. Get off the ride, Darling.

A wise and godly woman knows that if he really loves you he will not try to change or control you. He will appreciate your differences and promote your strengths. He will celebrate you for who you are.

A wise and godly woman knows that if he's hit you once or even threatened to raise a hand to you- He's not the one. One time of violence is too many times. His anger issues will not just disappear. Run and don't ever look back. A godly man would never threaten or try to harm you. He will only protect you.

A wise and godly woman knows that just because he has some good qualities, it does not mean he's meant to be your life partner. What he is now is what he will be later, even after you walk down the aisle. Marriage does not change his heart or character. You deserve the whole package. Don't settle because you are lonely.

A wise and godly woman knows that being unequally yoked does not just mean not sharing the same faith. It also means you both need compatible dreams, goals, vision, and callings. It means being on the same page concerning your destiny. Just because he is a Christian does not mean you should be united as one. A house divided cannot stand.

A wise and godly woman knows that his words are nothing unless he can back them up with his actions. Words and actions go together and must be consistent. Flattering words do not mean he will treat you well. Out of the abundance of the heart, a mouth will speak. Take notice, because there also will be proof behind the words he says. Don't ever forget that.

A wise and godly woman knows that if he can't keep a job, balance his account, pay his bills, and be wise with his money and spending, it's not a good situation to be in. A godly man will pay his tithes and offerings and trust God with his money. If he doesn't do this consistently, he's not the one. You deserve to be provided and cared for.

A wise and godly woman knows that if he has addictions (smoking, drinking, gambling, pornography, sex, etc.) no amount of love from you can overcome the heaviness and weight of his chains. Your life will be a living hell, as you will be chained to his sins. He is not the one. You can't deliver him. Only God can, and then only if he makes the decision for himself.

A wise and godly woman knows that if he has cheated before, he most likely will again. If he's cheating with you, then he will cheat on you. Adultery does not make a marriage or a God blessed relationship.

A wise and godly woman knows that if he really loves you, he will protect you, provide for you, cherish you, lead you, comfort you, celebrate you, and appreciate you. He will make you feel safe. He will honor you.  If something is lacking in any of these areas, he's not the one.

A wise and godly woman knows that if he can't embrace and love your children, he's not the one. A godly man will see you and your children as a blessing, not an inconvenience. You are a package deal. You and your kids are precious cargo. Never compromise your children for romance. A godly man would not expect you to.

A wise and godly woman knows that if he's not striving, growing, making goals, reaching for dreams, or moving forward, your life together is going to be stagnant, boring and full of frustrations. Without vision, people perish.

A wise and godly woman knows that her dreams, her goals, and her aspirations will matter to the one who truly loves her. He will believe in you, support, and encourage you in your dreams. He will speak life into your destiny.

A wise and godly woman knows that love should not hurt too much. It should not be taking away your peace, your joy, you self confidence or your spirit. If you feel worse in his presence, and feel like you can never measure up, then he is not the one. fast! You deserve better. Love should add to your life. Not take away.

A wise and godly woman knows that he should be growing spiritually on his own. He should be able to maintain his personal relationship with God. His life and his decisions should be based on the Word and character of God -even when the church doors are closed. There should be fruit in his life. You will know a believer by their fruits.

A wise and godly woman knows that a godly man should always treat her like a lady. He should open the car door, let you enter first when walking into a building, pull out your chair, pay for dinner, be respectful and have manners with you at all times. He should never use profanity in your presence or call you names that are hurtful. If you expect to be treated like a lady, then you will be. If not, he's not the one.

A wise and godly woman knows that a godly man will be honest about his intentions toward you. He will not play childish mind games or lead you along if he has no true interest in commitment. If he wants to be in your life, he will be consistent. You won't have to beg him for his attention or his physical presence in your life.

A wise and godly woman knows that she should let a man know what she expects of him in a relationship. She is honest and forthcoming, and doesn't take advantage of his generosity. She will respect him and honor him -both publicly and privately. She will desire to be a blessing every day of his life. If you can't do this with him, then you are not the right one for him. He deserves your best.

A wise and godly woman knows that God's chosen best is worth waiting for. Trying to mold a man into the box of what you desire in a mate is cruel and unfair to any man. Wait on God, and don't settle for less than His best for you.

A wise and godly woman knows that the way you treat him and make him feel in your presence is what he will remember -more than the dress or shoes you wore.

A wise and godly woman knows that respect starts with herself, her standards, her expectations, and her priorities. It starts with her and she should let a man know up front how she expects to be treated. A good man will respect you and honor you for this.  All these things should be based and founded by the word of God.

A wise and godly woman knows that he should appreciate and respect your body the way it is. If he's asking you to change your size, dye your hair, etc., he doesn't love you for you. However I do feel a godly woman should strive to maintain her health, exercise and eat responsibly. A good man will see you as beautiful just the way you are on fabulous days and frump girl days. Your beauty will be enough just the way you are.

A wise and godly woman knows that if he says he's not ready  for or desiring marriage, and he isn't looking for a commitment, be wise and don't waste your life waiting for him to change his mind.  If he already sees you as his wife, he won't need to be convinced.

A wise and godly woman knows that if you keep circling a bush about the same problems with him, guess what? You are going to keep circling around that bush. A healthy relationship can deal with and solve problems together. If you are still fighting about the same thing, it's going to remain that way when you are married.

A wise and godly woman knows that a godly man will seek after God's will concerning your relationship. Your love will be Christ centered. Your decisions and the direction of your relationship will be accomplished with united prayer and seeking God's word and His plan. This is a spiritual leader. The way he leads you before marriage matters.

A wise and godly woman knows that a godly man will not walk out and abandon you. He won't be leaving when there are obstacles or struggles. He will face challenges with you. He won't be disappearing and reappearing. You are not a yo-yo. Your heart is precious and he should handle it gently and honorably. Not be stringing you back and forth.

A wise and godly woman knows that no amount of your love, sweetness, etc. can change a bad boy. Only God can change him- if and when he makes his decision for God. Wasting your heart, tears, time, and dreams on a bad boy is a BAD choice. You are God's daughter, and you deserve better than that. ~ Written by Jenny Williams, A Modern Day Ruth/Ruby Wives. Copyright August 9th 2013.
Please do not alter or copy content. You are welcome to share for encouragement purposes.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

From Glory To Glory

Seasons can seem so long. Strength comes. Beauty comes. Enduring faith comes. Fruit comes. Tangible and real intimacy with Poppa God comes. Seasons are for a reason. We go from Glory to Glory....His beautiful Glory revealed in us and through us. Rejoice, beautiful Ruth, because your season of weeping is coming to an end! ~ Jenny Williams, Copyright 2013.

Seasons Of Change (Previously written August 28th, 2012)
Have you been through the dark valley? Have you been in a drought of joy or peace? Have you suffered a season of brokenness and tears? Has it seemed to last so long that you feel like it's never going to change? There is a time for all seasons under heaven to change. Your time will come. My life is proof of this. I went through a very long dark night of the soul and I have found His grace has sustained me and brought me through. I wrote this spontaneous song in the shower:
He gives me His song of deliverance, His love song of praise. 
He will give you one too. Hold on, Beloved. 
Your time of joy will come, I'm praying for you.
The season of change is here, Love surrounding me..
 His joy has been my strength.
 The pain and suffering are like leaves that are falling 
and all that is left are Your promises that remain. 
In You I have found that I have nothing lacking. 
In You I have all that I have ever need of. 
The wind of Your spirit is swirling around me
 blowing away all the pain and the shame.. 
Your love is sweet and thick on me like honey,
 and dripping is Your mercy and favor on my face. 
 Your grace -double grace is now falling like rain. 
All those who misunderstood and perhaps misjudged me 
are blessing me in your glorious name. 
Through it all I have found You to be faithful and true. 
The air is sweet and Your breath I feel in this place. 
In the dark night You walked me through. 
You never left my side.
Jesus, Your joy is mine and I'm forever grateful and dancing this time.
 My tears are dried and my suffering is falling like leaves and are blown away
and all that is left are your promises that remain. Copyright 2012, Jenny Williams.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Memories That Haunt


   The last few days I have felt disheartened. Emotions swirling. My past haunting me. Disturbing for me is not knowing why this pain had to resurface. I have come so far and have become so strong. Healing is a process. And God is a gentleman. He doesn't force us to deal with our wounds all at one time. He walks us thru layer by layer. I forgot how much I loved my husband. More than any man in my entire life. But I have learned to let go. You can't force someone to love you. And if they choose to walk away, let the door hit them on their way out. Love stays. Love does not walk away, only people do. I share this tonight because maybe you are struggling with the pain of abandonment. I have found my Poppa God to be faithful and true. He is closer than a brother and dearer than any friend. He never leaves me nor forsakes me. His love is everlasting. He loves you, Tonight. ~ Jenny
Originally Written Saturday, September 10, 2011
by Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives, Copyright 2011
 Last night it was hot and muggy in the air...I was restless, and it seemed that memories lingered and decided to stick to me just like the humidity. A scent caught me by surprise in my room...His smell. I don't know where it came from, but it just harassed me enough to bring some unshed tears to the surface -ones that must have been hidden from my progress of moving forward.
The smell wafted to my nose. beguiling me like a ghost that had walked into the room of my heart. I went and grabbed the sweat shirt of his that I stumbled upon a while back. It holds his scent so strongly. I knelt at the foot of my four poster victorian bed. The place where I met with Poppa so many times concerning our marriage. There in the darkness only lit by the blare of the tv...I buried my face along with my hot flowing tears into that shirt. Why?
I wandered if he thought of me. I wandered if he ever regretted what he had done to my heart and even my soul. I wished he felt torturous pain...The loneliness of his actions that he caused. I wept and prayed hard and in a fervency- knowing other wives are feeling this anguish just as much as I or even more. My thoughts have been wrestling with my heart just as Jacob wrestled with the angel of God. I'm honestly not sure who won last night, but I had some release. These hidden tears had to come out.They seem to find their way out at the most unexpecting times.
I whispered in the darkness. "Poppa, I still love him. Please take it away. If he's never coming back-Take it completely away. Deliver me." I even felt oddly like I was seeking permission to love him. Was it safe to ? After some time-I put the sweatshirt back where I found it. As tempted as I was to sleep with it I chose not to. I refuse to go backward. I will move forward. I crawled into my bed and began to pray and interceed for the other women...The one's I have really come to love. Miles might keep us from seeing each other face to face, but it's their prayers, their tears, their posts, their words which have brought us close as dear sisters and friends...Bound together by our similar paths and difficult journey we have had to walk. "Please God. Bring healing. Bring hope. Answer the cries of their hearts."

Today in the shower I came to the place of realizing this heart of mine is still broken. I had a heart to heart with Poppa. I finally humbly admitted that no matter what I do in my own humanness and my own determined efforts, I can't heal my brokenness on my own. I guess I fooled myself into thinking I was healed. No smiles I carry on my face, no christian bumper sticker or cliche, no holding it all together and being strong enough can make this pain disappear. It has become less and less, but it still shows up along with memories like haunting ghosts.
I appraoched Poppa and asked Him to deliver me from being broken. No other male affections, no human approvals, no new pair of shoes or any earthly riches, Not even time can change this fact. Caring people say that time can heal all wounds...not necessarily true. This lesson I have learned. I've seen people who have been broken for years. Nothing can fill the gaping holes, but Poppa. I have felt impatient. Wishing this process to be hurried along. And even pleaded, "Just take me back there- to heaven and heal me again like you did before." I find He seems to do things differently for much of the time, for whatever His reason. He is God and He is not figured out.
But I'm pretty sure I heard in His still quiet voice say-," Can you remain broken just a little longer ?"
Why would He say that? Me be broken even more?? For longer?????

Out of this brokeness I know there is beauty. There is purpose. It makes no earthly sense. It's strange and weird,and I'm sure others don't understand. They probably think I just want to stay this way just for attention, or to remain a victim. But in reality for me I have come to the place that in my true brokeness- There Poppa brings the best out of me. The fragrance of His love.. humility and openess that He can work with. If it were not for this shattered state I would not be reaching out to other human hearts in the capacity that this trial has allowed. The prayers and words of encouragement would not flow in this vast of a supply. And it is not because of my endeavor or ability- but Christ in me making it all happen for His purpose.
So I surrender to His doing's. I have to trust His timing. I know He won't leave me in this place forever. There will be complete healing. But it will be in His way and in His timing. In the mean time I need to remember and not forget. I have the promise from Him that He will make me better and more beautiful than before. That's our deal. Out of the ashes beauty will rise.
So even though it feels so unfair, it's so confusing and heart wrenching at times. Even though I miss the one who deserted me and left me shredded into pieces. I choose to move forward. There will be days of tears. But I do have the promise of better days to come.

Philippians 3:13
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.

Friday, August 2, 2013

Dear Single Men Who Are Seeking My Affections (Single ladies you need to read this too)


     I can't tell you how many times I have kept myself in check and spoken not a word to the many men who seem to think they can catch my attention by mere easily said words and compliments. I normally just ignore them and don't even take the time to respond. I hear their hearts. I know some are just lonely and hurting. I do care that they are hurting, and I pray for them that what they're missing will be restored -the respect they feel they haven't received, their manhood and confidence ...but just because I am a single woman in leadership does not mean that I will fall easily as your prey. I'm a woman who learns from her mistakes, and the lessons and wisdom I have gained from them are tattooed to my heart and mind. I am too busy raising my daughters, running a full time ministry and building a business to be a part of the world of dating sites, looking around at every relationship status change or post someone makes. Your compliments -even if they are truly sincere- do not impress. They use to when I had a low self esteem. Flattering words alone are empty to me. Your words need to be backed up by your actions. And they must be consistent. You may be charming and love Jesus, but that doesn't make me quake at the knees. I expect God's best for me. I won't settle for anything less. Through my brokenness and disappointments I have become wiser and stronger. My standards have been raised higher. My worth and value I have found through Poppa God, not by your romantic notions and pursuits. Your pocketbook full of money does not impress me -it's what you do with it that does, and just because you can shower me with gifts does not mean that I can be bought. I am a woman who does love beautiful things -sparkly things, but your heart and character are what truly matter to me. If you're well known or even famous, that's nice. I'm not impressed by a name, but by the character behind it. Your reputation can seem appealing, but we all know that it could be lost in a moment of weakness. I hate to disappoint you, but I'm not easily won. If you want to know what will win my heart, then you had better seek my Poppa God out for His approval. I will not chase after the affections of a man. I have found that my soul is satisfied with Jesus and His presence. Do I want to be alone? No. I love life and I love loving someone, but I will wait for a man who has the heart of a King. If you don't have integrity, then I can't admire you. There's just no way around that one. I desire a man of worship...who daily seeks and talks with the Holy Spirit. A man after God's own heart. I'm not expecting perfect -King David wasn't perfect. He had many flaws, but one thing I find irresistible is his longing to please God and to make music to His heart. My most sacred dwelling place is where I spend time singing to the Holy Spirit. My bath time is one of my most holy places -my secret place. Even as a toddler I would sing out spontaneous songs to Him and He would sing back to me His love songs. I've done this all my life. Does your heart long for Him? Is your greatest pleasure experiencing and discovering more of Him? Stagnancy is something I can't stand. I am a woman who loves to learn and expand my mind and heart, reaching into the depths and layers of Him and all that He is. He is vast and wide and there is so much more of Him to find. A man who can daily inspire me in this way is pivotal. Warm and deep conversation is what creates a soulful and meaningful relationship to me. Frankly, I don't want to be bored. I am always moving and striving to move forward. I view life as a journey that is meant to be adventuresome. Are you kingdom minded? What I mean is, do you make your most important decisions based on what is eternally lasting, or on momentary earthly stubble? I eat, sleep and breathe the desire to encourage and give hope to others. I feel most satisfied when I know I have made a difference to someone else. Hurting people are the ones I long to comfort and speak words of healing and life over -to help someone who's been rejected and help them know how much Poppa God loves them. I've been called to the nations. As a young woman I believed and received the scriptures that said, "Ask of me and I will give you the nations as an inheritance." This is no easy feat, but it's my passion. I love people. I watch them -study their human behavior. I love different cultures and meeting new people from all walks of life. My partner of life has to be a man who likes to travel because I'm not a homebody kind of gal. My home will be his heart. Wherever he goes, I will go. His people will be my people -the people he is called to impact and encourage. This is my calling. To stand beside a leader -a man of substance and wisdom, a man who worships in spirit and in truth. His song will be my song. I love singing and harmonizing. Sing with me in the car, in the shower, or 30,000 feet in the air. There are simple things I have learned to appreciate...a sunset, the sound of ocean waves, the smile of a stranger, a song on the radio. These please my heart. As a woman, I have many sides to me. It frustrates me that men think they have figured me all out. If you are one of them, let me tell you, you haven't, because I won't reveal all of myself to you unless I can trust you and you have earned the right to know my many layers. I can be silly, quirky and playful. I'm a passionate woman in everything I do. If I say something, I mean it to the fullest. My words I write are the song of my heart beat. I am a girly girl in every sense of the term. I love being a woman...wearing heels and dresses, makeup and sparkly things. I am fragile like an exotic flower, and like to be handled as such. I am old fashioned and traditional. I, at times, think I was born into the wrong era. I like having the door opened for me. I like the man to drive, for him to be in charge of the finances. I enjoy following his lead (If he has vision and knows where he is going). This does not mean I'm weak. I feel it's a rare and strong trait to let the man be a spiritual leader and to stand beside him as the encouraging help mate that God has called and purposed women to be. Loyalty is everything to me. I will protect whom I love. I will fight for what I believe in. I'm not a back pocket kind of woman. I belong in the front next to your heart. I'm not a side dish. I'm the main course with all the extras. I am curvy, not fat. I will not become a stick or ever be model thin. I like my body as God has made it. I strive to maintain it. I believe in exercising and eating healthy. This does not mean I don't ever go through "frump girl" stages, because I do. I need a man who sees my beauty and reminds me when I have forgotten who I am; and though I'm passionate, I am not a sexual conquest. I cannot be your lover for a lifetime if Jesus is not the lover of your soul for eternity. This is my standard. I am God's daughter, and I expect to be treated as such. I want to be romanced by you every day in the little things that you do. I love to snuggle up and hold your hand. These small things are big to me. Don't ever take me for granted just because I'm loyal and faithful. I expect to be cherished -sweetly spoiled. I want to be included in your time -quality time. Share with me your struggles, your spiritual experiences, the vulnerable and soft parts of your heart. If you have won my heart, I promise to protect and regard it as precious. Your joys are mine, your sadness mine, your dreams ...I want them all. I am a creative person. I am always thinking, dreaming, planning, inventing, writing, etc. I have big dreams...ridiculous dreams. I won't share them unless I know you can respect them and believe in them too. I paint, I write, I sing, and I love to make things. I find it frustrating when I have an idea in my mind but I can't find it in the store. I was meant to be an entrepreneur. I have inventions I would like to market and license. I believe money is meant to be a used as a tool to accomplish what God has purposed and planned for you. Money invested in the kingdom of God is a returnable and wise investment. If you can't provide or pay your bills, I am not your kind of woman. I admire a man who has a vision and also handles his money with God's wisdom. Do you care about the poor, broken and the needy? It's not just writing out a check...It's passion, it's love, it's teaching and investing in other people's dreams. This is my heart. I do like material things (who doesn't?), but my number one agenda is touching lives. Money is a tool to do that. What is valuable to me? My beautiful children. I'm a single momma, and it's hard -very hard. I never desired for my kids to be from a broken home. They have been hurt, disappointed, and abandoned. A man who sees my kids as a blessing and not as a burden is important to me. They are four beautiful amazing hearts of precious cargo. They need to be embraced, loved on, believed in, and invested in. We are a package deal, and even though they are almost grown and will be adults soon, they are a huge portion of my heart. They teach me and inspire me. This makes me determined that my dreams have to come true because their dreams need wings too. Several years ago, as I was kneeling at an altar, I cried out to God in brokenness. I heard the Holy Spirit say, "I am sending you a Boaz." At the time I really didn't know much about the story of Ruth and Boaz. It wasn't the favorite Bible story I was taught in Sunday School as a child. I have had to embrace and learn about the heart of Ruth. She was on a long journey of tears, heartaches, and struggles. I can relate to her in many ways. I have been on this road too. I have found my pleasure and purpose to be helping others who have been hurting or abandoned like me. This ministry God has called me to do came out of my own ashes, brokenness, and abandonment. I sought my heart out layer by layer. I've had to come to terms with my own failures in my 13 year marriage. I've been honest with myself (not always easy but important), gleaned wisdom from those mistakes and have been sharing what I've learned with women who are struggling in their relationships with their husbands, and have been helping those whose husbands have left them and walked away from God and their families. I wish to speak healing and comfort to their hearts. I'm sticking to the promise Poppa God gave me. This has kept me going. I know that someday my Boaz will see me from across the field and come for me. Until then, I'm still in the fields of God's Grace being busy about my Heavenly Father's business. Written by Jenny Williams Copyright 2013