Friday, August 23, 2013

The Surface

Today I woke up with a heavy-feeling heart. I am aware that the healing process of my heart has been in stages and layers at a time. God is a gentleman. He works on us slowly and gently because He knows we can't handle it all at one time. This must be one of the hardest for me. I finally came to the truth in myself that I am afraid to ever allow myself to love a man ever again. I am full of love, but I don't trust myself to go there. I simply couldn't handle a heartbreak -not one more time. I have always loved with every breath of me -wholeheartedly and with no reservation. Now it's like a dam in my heart. All this love is stored up, but I just won't let the door open and let the flood gates of my heart flow again. I have been surrounded by beautiful, good, sweet loving caring men who love God. They have been dear brothers in Christ. They have been kind and encouraging. They have proved to me that there are godly decent men out there, but still I'm afraid. I no longer feel heartbroken or traumatized by the abuse, abandonment and betrayal I have endured, but that memory is so real, and I feel like at any moment someone will walk out the door of my life. Everyone I have loved has left. I know I am not responsible for the poor choices of men -that I allowed myself to love men who were simply unworthy of me. My choices of settling for less than the best than what I deserved. No woman deserves to be beaten, cheated on, or abandoned over and over. I know what I want, I know fully what I deserve, and I'm strongly set and have chosen to break the cycle of men who won't provide, who lie, who cheat, who only use words that are not backed up by their actions -men who play with hearts but don't commit.
There's that one piece of me that says- "Can I trust you?" I feel like saying to the man of my future, "Will you really be there? Will you stay true to me? Will you hold me when I'm weak ? Will you stay with me through anything? Will you be patient enough to assure me as many times as it takes that you are not going to walk out that door? Will the love I offer be enough for you? Will you value my heart and be careful with it? Will you see me as I really am, or will you just see the scars of my disappointments and broken past? Will you understand the pain and journey I walked and appreciate the strength and beauty I have come into because of it? Please don't walk into my life unless you know you will handle me gently, and that you can be a safe place for me to trust. I want to love. I want to trust you. I want to build dreams with you, make memories, build a life, laugh, play, sing, discover more of the depths of God, go on adventures, touch lives, encourage souls, make a difference, or do the impossible -but can I trust you?"

Out of all of this I hear Poppa God say, "Do you trust Me?" Wow... Do I trust my Heavenly Father that He won't allow me to be hurt this way again? Lord, Help me to be ever so close to You, that a man would have to go to You to even reach my heart, because I'm resting on Your chest -Your very bosom, hearing Your heart beat, and knowing I'm completely safe with You. ~ Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives, Copyright 2013

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