When you lose someone you love, the holidays can be bittersweet. I usually smile -and then smile some more. I plow through. The most important thing for me is the happiness of my kids. They don't know how hard it is -and honestly, I hope they never experience this from my viewpoint. My youngest, who is 12, kept hugging me all day. She clung to me. I think somehow she knew how I was feeling, but no words were exchanged about it. She is a sweetheart -a tender heart...
I awoke this morning feeling tenderhearted. I wish there was a button for that -one that could turn off my heart, so I would no longer feel. It was strange, that last night before drifting off to sleep. I missed him just a little bit, but I reminded myself to not go there, because missing someone who has chosen not to be in your life does no good. It won't bring him back, and it won't change things. I remind myself that it was not him that I missed, but the idea of what I thought was real: to be loved by someone. I so badly wanted to be held last night and be told that everything was going to be alright, to feel a hand brush my cheek and wipe my tears. I know that my heart has been through a lot....and it's been healing these past four years. I think my heart must be like an elephant, because it seems to have a long memory. I don't want to be tender today. I just don't want to be reminded of the pain I once knew, but I know others hurt so much worse, and I will never forget for their sake. The brokenhearted need someone to care. They need a hug. They need assurance. May I never forget that, even when my life is filled with the love of someone again. Tender places are a painting of the human's emotions, captured in time.
Written by Jenny Williams Copyright 2013.
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